Beverly Zagofsky, MS, LPC

Divorce Sucks

2011-09-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

Hi,

I work with many couples where one partner is coming to see me to sort out whether he/she should leave or whether he/she should stay and work on their marriage. For some, it seems so much harder to stay in a marriage that they feel is emotionally empty and not fulfilling all of their needs. Staying is especially difficult, if they are already involved in an emotional or a physical affair at the same time that they are trying to make this decision. Nothing can compare to the excitement, newness and passion of a new relationship. The average affair lasts between 18 months and 2 years. After that, the same issues that made the affair partner feel tied down, unappreciated, misunderstood and stressed, tends to surface and the reality sets in. The problem becomes that much more complicated with more people involved, and more drama.
Here is an interesting article written by a woman about her experience with divorce. It gives you a realistic view of what happens to the children, that might be forgotten when you are in the excitement of the affair.
Your children need you forever and should be your number one focus. Your actions will always impact them. I know, because I see it daily from the couples who come for counseling. Many of them have been impacted by their parents relationship and their behaviors and view them as role models of how a marriage should work. Before you decide to divorce, consider your children.

Call me if you need me.
Regards,
Beverly Zagofsky
908 879 2222

Wasbands And Wives: Seven Reasons To Stay Married
Huffington Post
9-18-11 by Gigi Levangie
http://tinyurl.com/6lydakk

Divorce sucks.
I mean, it really sucks. Got kids? If so, don't do it.

You probably think you have no reason to listen to me. I'd agree if we were talking about shifting weather patterns or why Lil' Wayne has diamonds instead of front teeth. But, hey, I've lived a pretty long time -- by L.A. standards, I'm ancient -- and I've had many life experiences, among them two marriages.

My novels The Starter Wife and Queen Takes King, as well as the original screenplay I wrote for Stepmom, all center on marital break-ups. I've become a reluctant expert; the poster ex-wife for divorce. My second wasband and I (I coined the term, it sounds nicer than "ex") get along so well that we are often mistaken for a happily married couple at Little League games, the school play, or a first grader's birthday party. We still share holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and, of course, Super Bowl Sunday. We sign off on emails to each other with a minimum three x's and o's. We kiss hello, we hug goodbye. Our divorce -- though public and heavily laden with fancy attorneys whose grandchildren's weddings we paid for -- was actually about as amicable as one could hope. I have never said a bad word about my "was" to my children; I hope he can say the same.

What we no longer share is the bond of marriage.

The first time around, I was married just three months after meeting Starter Husband at a nightclub. (I didn't say I was smart, just married.) My "starter" marriage proved to be just that -- lasting three years, a year for each month of courtship.

I left my home, husband, four dogs, and shotgun, and moved around the corner from Canter's Deli to an empty apartment with an empty aquarium. The first week apart from Starter Husband, I lost eight pounds. Friends forced me to eat matzoh ball soup, counting every spoonful. At night, alone in bed for the first time in years, I swam through my tears while listening to George Michael and Don Henley (the only time I've listened to Don Henley), weeping to Van Cliburn playing Mozart sonatas.

I also wrote my first screenplay.

I reasoned that marriage had held me back from fulfilling my dreams, from self-actualization -- the pinnacle of Maslow's hierarchy of needs (love and belonging hovering way below, only after safety needs and stuff like "breathing"). Oprah would have been proud.

I swore to my friends I would never marry again.
---
Um. Hey. Guess what? I was wrong. I got married. Again.

The second was supposed to be "my" marriage -- ironic. I'd been determined to make holy matrimony my bitch. I knew the territory. We drove my baby-blue Ford Falcon downtown, got married in front of a judge and several gang members . Then I dashed off, making it to work that day by 10:30 that morning.

This time I would do it right. But after over 16 years of living together, almost ten years of marriage, with a family unit of two little boys, my husband's two older children, and a mini-dachshund named Cecil, I found myself divorced. Again.
I was in my forties, and hadn't learned a thing about relationships. If anything, I was less sure of what I knew at this point than when I was 16 and happily engaged to Prince (in my head). Since I'm not remotely Elizabeth Taylor, this divorce thing was getting old, fast.

What I've learned since is that divorce lingers. It makes you sad when you least expect it. It colors everything -- from a first date with a promising somebody to a basketball game where your kid makes three-pointers. And you can tell yourself, yeah, I did it for my kids, so they could grow up with a healthy mother, a happier mother who had more time for them. But single motherhood, even with access to help, is not for sissies. Sure, I have more control over my children under the circumstances -- but in return, I'm more strung-out, I'm more overwhelmed.

Okay, after the second break-up, I no longer have to eat osso bucco with Sumner Redstone, and that almost makes it worth it, but I also have to answer my children's questions about why, how, when. I have to tell them that -- despite my past, despite my wasband's past -- marriage is still worth trying.

It is also worth preserving.

Ladies (and curious men), these are my top seven (and a half) reasons for staying married:

1. All men suck...
...and all men are great. All men are annoying. And all men put the toilet seat down every time. All men are needy. And all men live to make you happy. All men are demanding. And all men are easy. (Well, actually, all men are easy, especially those in politics, but that's a whole other subject.)

All men are cheap. And all men love shopping at the Tiffany's counter. All men keep you guessing. And all men check in several times a day, just because. All men hog the covers. And all men tuck you in at night. All men are dull. And all men will whisk you off to Napa on a moment's notice.

All men are mama's boys. And all men are fighter pilots. All men are complicated. And all men have basic needs, like ESPN in HD.

Do you get what I'm saying, here? Men are human. Weird, I know.

Basically, if you hate your spouse and get divorced, you will be trading him in for a similar model, only in chinos. If you're lucky.

2. Raising kids on your own sucks...
...but this doesn't mean you want to raise them with someone new.

Divorce with children is -- mathematically speaking -- 180 million times worse than divorce without children. I'm sure there's a New York Times study to back me up on this.

Kids are not better off with divorced parents. (Hi, angry tweets from ecstatically divorced parents!) Psychologist Judith Wallerstein conducted a 25-year study on the effects of divorce on the children involved; her book chronicling her findings is more frightening than any TV commercial advertising an Anthony Hopkins movie. If I really don't want to sleep at night, I'll reread her statistics. For example, children of divorce are more likely than children from intact families to drop out of school, suffer drug and alcohol problems, require psychotherapy, and get divorced themselves.
Recently, there was a new study in The American Sociological Review that showed children of divorce lag in math scores and social skills. For years.

Insomnia, much?

My observations of children of divorce, including my own, are simple. Divorce makes your kids' life harder. Would you want to go to a different home every few days because it suits someone else's schedule? Would you like to remember at which house you left your wallet, your laptop, your workout bag, your briefcase? How about sleep in a different bed, use a different toothbrush, get used to the new person in the kitchen and the master bedroom? Your kids have to remember textbooks, notebooks, backpacks, favorite t-shirts, socks, Vans, homework, football helmet, cleats... No wonder these kids are more anxious.

On top of that, they have to do science reports in first grade, master algebra in fifth. Everything's gotten harder. I've volunteered in my sons' classes, and I hate to say it, but I can tell which children have parents who are divorced.

Admitting this brings me no pleasure, and a great deal of pain.

A friend of mine, a divorced mother, told me that her son was depressed about the new woman in his dad's life. "I'm afraid I'm going to forget our Christmases, Mom," he told her, "Someday, will it be like they never happened?"

Consistency is key to a happy, healthy childhood. Guess what's inconsistent? Living with divorce.

3. The money sucks.
Financially speaking, both men and women are better off staying married. Post-divorce, the higher wage-earner typically pays alimony and child support. The lower wage-earner typically endures a lower standard of living.

Fighting over money turns people into the worst versions of themselves. This is true whether you're divorced or married. Throw divorce lawyers into the mix and you have a recipe for bankruptcy, both financial and moral.

I've found that in dating, men are expensive -- probably as expensive as women. I know many divorced women who've lent money to their boyfriends or bought them expensive gifts. No longer do men feel remiss in accepting, and in some cases, demanding money, clothes, cars, trinkets. Hey, we wanted men to be more like us, right? We've turned men into luxury items.

The only good thing to come out of this recession is that fewer people are getting divorced. Why? They can't afford to.

4. Raising other people's kids suck...
...because you're also raising not only their issues, but their parents' issues. That's a f-ckload of issues, to put it in psychological terms. If you get divorced, it's likely you're going to be dating other divorced people -- and guess what, they come with the same thing you have -- ex-and-kid baggage. Hey, I love kids, I've raised or helped raise enough of them, going back over two decades -- but being a stepparent, or even a stepfriend -- is not for the faint of heart. Parents get bent out of shape when another adult comes into the picture, no matter how good their intentions. I've got the restraining order to prove it.

Fitting the pieces together with others after a divorce is a constant struggle, whether you're talking about old exes, new marriages, or the children from either. I've talked and talked to women and men desperately trying to figure out how and when and with whom to start again. And why? Why put yourself through the drama? How do you fit the puzzle pieces together when one of the pieces is a hormonal pre-teen, another is a borderline personality ex bent on destroying everything in her path, including her own child, and a third is the dog who growls every time you enter the room.

This is not the most romantic scenario.

Bottom line: You may care as much for your significant other's children as they do, but you are not their parent.

5. Dating sucks (after the first three months); your ex dating sucks and never stops sucking.
Look at your date. Does his slightly wheezy laugh grate on your nerves? What about the fact that he just called his ex-wife a b-tch? Or, better yet, a c-nt? Charmed yet? Do you like a backwards baseball cap and baggy jeans on a forty-year-old? No? Guess how much you're going to like it in twenty years? Just. As. Much.

Every little quirk that you find the slightest bit irritating in your dining partner is guaranteed to become the central core of his personality as the years pile on. Good luck with that.

Speaking of dating. Dates will shock you -- shock you -- with what they believe is normal behavior. When a dinner date feels like a scene from Hangover 2, you know you're in trouble.

Internet dating now seems like a safe, time-tested way to get to know people -- until you read about the film executive who was the victim of a sexual attack by a man she met on Match.Com. Craigslist is just another name for potential date rape; to a single mother, nothing is scarier than craigslist.

Which brings me to another point: sex. Living with children is like living with parents. Except you're not a teenager, trying to sneak one over on Mom and Dad. You are the sole member of the household responsible for the health and well-being of your children. And your kids don't want you to date. They don't want you to bring home someone new. Even if they like the new guy or girl, they don't want to appear to be choosing sides against their other biological parent.
When you do go out with someone (after the kids go to bed), you size them up not only against your standards, but the standards of your children. You're not the only one going out on that date -- your seven-year-old is right there with you, with his toothy grin. Your fourteen-year-old is scowling in the background. Your stoic ten-year-old has tears welling up in his eyes.

Frankly, other than superficial dating far away from your kids' eyes and ears, E.S.P. might be the only thing that makes sense for the single parent.

Yes, your happiness is important, but the moment you gave birth, your happiness took a backseat to that squalling bundle of joy. You're not a teenager anymore. It's not about you. Your self-actualization and self-esteem needs to move over and make some mac and cheese.

Keep this in mind, as well. Just as time is the only true test of love and marriage -- time is the true test of divorce, as well. Time heals, it clarifies in surprising ways. The old hurts seem more minor, less lacerating. Now you've been hurt anew, and by someone with whom you don't share children or a dog or a name. You've been hurt by someone you barely even know.

6. Bumps in the night suck.
A single mother feels it every day: When the sun goes down, there is no one there to watch your back. I have to be combination nursemaid and Rambo. I have not slept a full night in three years; it's hard to sleep with one eye open and a dog named Peanut the only thing between you and potential threat. A phone call after nine sends chills down my spine. The other night my doorbell rang at 11:30. It was a drunken teenage girl (I'm learning there are no other kind) demanding her purse back. Er, you may not find this frightening if you have a man in the house. I, on the other hand, called the cops, and thought seriously about getting a gun.

It's scary not being married.

7. Synergy sucks...
...when it's gone. Prior to my divorce, an Oscar-winning screenwriter told me to keep in mind that a couple is more than just the sum of two people. Do you get it? Neither did I, but that's probably why I don't have an Oscar. Still, I've thought about what he said a lot since then. He was speaking of synergy, the mutually advantageous conjunction of distinct elements. The two of you have combined to make something that would not otherwise exist. What we are together is greater than what we are apart.

On the other hand (now ring-free), when you divorce, there's you and the divorce.

A marriage is a living thing. A divorce -- while it can go on forever in court, bankrupting you financially, emotionally, mentally and physically -- is not a living thing; it's a death.

Really hard to see that when you're furious at each other, with one foot out the door, your middle finger raised high. Adrenalin loves a dramatic exit.

There's that fallback saying people in a break-up often say: "You want to get to know someone? Divorce them". I don't believe it. I think it should be reworded: You want to get to know someone under the most stressful conditions...

On the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, divorce is just a tad less stressful than death of a spouse (presumably, one you liked). People don't behave well under that kind of stress. Money is tight, the kids are upset, in the air is the odor of hatred. The spouse that you loved enough to marry is now a raging dick.

If your husband beat you, verbally abused you more than you verbally abused him, abused drugs, alcohol, or wanted a porn family, then by all means, leave. You're better off. But, in other cases, maybe there's a higher order. Maybe we were actually correct in selecting that person, that spouse, to procreate with.

In the midst of our separation, our family therapist, a cancer survivor in her 60s, who'd been practicing for many years, gave me sage advice, which I was too angry or blind to accept. "Wait until the kids are launched," she told me. "Who knows? You may even find yourself in love again, with your husband."

I chose not to take it. A big part of me wishes I had.

To Save a Marriage, Split up?

2011-09-05T17:51:00.000-07:00

As a Marriage Counselor, I am in the business of saving marriages. I work very hard to keep marriages together. I sometimes feel like the cheerleader, holding on to any victory that the distressed couple feels in my office. I believe that if they only worked harder, become less reactive, gave up their affair partner or many other reasons, that they can keep their marriage together. Studies have shown that five years after an affair, if the marriage can survive, the couple is happier than they had ever been before. However, during the time of deciding whether they should stay or whether they should go, it is often the most excruciating period for both partners. If you or your partner is on the fence and can't decide what to do in your marriage, this article might help you. This may be the last resort that you have to try, in order to save your marriage. I suggest reading the book "Should I stay or go? How controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage" by Lee Raffel. I hope that any couple who feels this much pain should first try couples counseling. If you leave with out understanding why you left your marriage, you may run the risk of repeating these same problems in your next relationship.
Good Luck and Call me if you need me.
Beverly

By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN
The Wall Street Journal
August 9, 2011

After 35 years of marriage, Mark Earnhart came home one day and told his wife, Jeanine, that he wanted a separation. He said he was tired of the bickering and tension, the lack of communication, how they never did anything together anymore.

His wife sadly agreed that the marriage seemed broken. So Mr. Earnhart, a chiropractor, moved out of their home to a furnished apartment on the other side of San Juan Island, in Washington.

Three months later husband and wife were back together. They have been married now for 42 years.

It seems counterintuitive: How can a separation save a marriage? When a couple splits—even for a trial period—isn't that just a pit stop on the way to divorce?

Surprisingly, many marriage therapists recommend a separation, albeit as a measure of last resort. They say that if both spouses set specific parameters, the space and time to think that a trial separation provides just might be what is needed to save the relationship. Still, there are few, if any, statistics that show whether it works or how many couples try separating.

Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, a marriage and family therapist in Mount Kisco, N.Y., has helped about 40 couples arrange trial separations over the past 20 years and says that about half reconciled and remained married.

Ms. O'Neill recommends that a separation shouldn't just happen—after one partner storms out, say. The couple should decide who will move out and where that person will live, how the finances will be handled, the care-giving of the kids, what to tell friends and family, and—very importantly—how long the separation will last. She believes that six months is ideal, and most experts agree. It's long enough to set up a second household and gain perspective, but not long enough to seem permanent.

Share Sparingly: The Earnharts discussed their plan to split, and their reasons, with their family, shown on a recent visit. Therapists suggest sharing details only with those closest to you who must know.

If a couple has experienced infidelity, they should deal with that issue in therapy before planning a separation, says Ms. O'Neill.

Marriage therapists say that by the time most couples show up in therapy talking about divorce it's often too late to salvage the relationship. There's so much anger, hurt and mistrust that the partners can't work out their issues.

But what if the partners took a break before the hatred set in? It wouldn't have to be the formal separation that is often a legal precursor to divorce, but an informal break to give the spouses some space to breathe, think and calm down.

Often, the reality-check that marital separations provide—the prospect of unraveling finances, facing dating again, fully grasping the collateral damage done to the kids—is enough to make people resolve to work harder on the marriage.

"Sometimes having a dress rehearsal for divorce makes them realize they don't want to do it," says Richard Levak, a psychologist who works with couples in Del Mar, Calif.

Linda Lea Viken, a divorce attorney in Rapid City, S.D., and president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says it's important for each party to understand the other's motivation. She has seen cases in which one person isn't really interested in reconciling, but wants to use the separation to buy time to rearrange or dispose of assets.

Ms. Viken also warns couples that the arrangements made during a trial separation, such as who pays the bills and where the children live, may have a big impact on an eventual divorce, if there is one. It will be hard, for example, to convince a judge to award full custody of the children to one parent if in the separation period the couple had agreed to a 50-50 split. For this reason, she suggests that each spouse consult a divorce attorney.

Then there's the fraught issue of whether each party is allowed to see other people during the separation. Some therapists believe that dating is OK, as long as both parties are truly comfortable with the decision. Ms. Viken disagrees. "If one of the parties wants to date, this is not a trial separation, it's the end," she says.

Another tricky issue: What to tell family and friends? Experts say couples should decide together what the party line is, then tell only those people who really need to know. "Until a marriage is going to go down the path of divorce, you should keep as much to yourselves as you can, otherwise it may come back to haunt you if you stay together," Ms. O'Neill says.

The couple separated for three months then reunited.

The Earnharts, who are both 61 and live in Friday Harbor, Wash., decided to separate in 2003. They say they had gotten to the point where they barely spoke. He spent his spare time golfing, and she went shopping or to lunch with friends. They ate dinner in front of the TV without talking, gave each other the silent treatment for days on end, and rarely had sex.

By the time Mr. Earnhart decided to move out, the couple had read numerous self-help books, taken separate vacations and gone to see two marriage therapists. Nothing helped. Ms. Earnhart wrote down a list of things that irritated her about her husband. At the top: The way he chewed, monopolized a conversation and walked like a duck.

"We repelled each other," Mr. Earnhart says.

"I thought, 'Why not do what you want to do?' " adds his wife. "Life is too short and I don't like you anyway."

So he moved to a condo, yet continued to pay the couple's bills. She stayed in their house. They told their adult son and daughter why they were separating and were relieved when their kids said they understood.

And they talked regularly, at first on the phone. Then Mr. Earnhart started coming over to the house with a bottle of wine. They would sit outside, look at the water and discuss how to divide up their assets in a divorce. They talked about how they could communicate better and be less judgmental.

After awhile, they realized they missed their friendship. They talked about the memories they shared—how they'd bought a house and built a life together—and wondered what they were doing by throwing it all away. One night, they ended up in bed together.

"It was kind of like falling in love again," says Ms. Earnhart. "He would come over for some silly reason, and we would have a heck of a conversation and a really good time."

"When you are apart, you have time to reflect, first on all of the things that were upsetting in your life with each other," says her husband. "And then you realize that you've allowed things that maybe aren't really important to take on a life of their own."

After three months of living apart, Mr. Earnhart moved back in. Now, the couple tries to talk out problems as soon as they arise, often leaving each other polite, little notes about an issue, like the one that Ms. Earnhart recently left her husband, telling him she felt he had been rude and didn't want to stew on the issue. He left her a note, apologizing.

They also entertain friends and travel, taking road trips to California and Alaska. Mr. Earnhart cooks dinner each night, and the two often eat while watching—and discussing—whatever is on the Food Network. They have self-published a book about marriage, called "Marriage Works."

"You can get to the point where you feel that there's no way that you will ever fall in love with this person again, but you can," says Ms. Earnhart. "He still waddles like a duck, but now I love him for it."

Taking a Marriage Timeout
Some issues to consider before trying a separation:

• Get a marriage therapist. A trained professional can help mediate between the two parties.

• Consult an attorney specializing in family law. Find out how the terms of the separation could affect any eventual divorce. A consultation sometimes scares people into working harder on their marriage, once they face the reality of what divorced life will be like, says Linda Lea Viken, a divorce lawyer.

• Agree on logistics. Who will leave and where will that person go? Who will pay the bills? Who will take care of the kids and how much time will the other spouse be able to see them?

• Consider email your friend. Writing to each other, rather than meeting or talking on the phone, can be a way to defuse the tension.

• Put your agreement in writing. This doesn't require a lawyer. A therapist can do it. It protects one spouse from taking advantage of the other.

For the full article and photos: http://tinyurl.com/3jhx4wa

Is It Cheating If it 's On line.?

2011-05-19T05:27:00.000-07:00

Hi,

In my practice of couples, I meet so many of you that are devastated because one of you has reconnected with a long lost love on Face book or some other site. There are so many ways now to meet people on line, whether it is in a Chat room, porno site, or social site. It may start out innocently thinking that there is no harm in just saying hello. However, since both of you are probably feeling alienated from each other, this changes quickly. It is easy to just go into a locked room in their home and open the computer. it is so much harder to speak to your spouse and tell each other what you are feeling. It is surprising how many spouses see their partner locked in an office in their home and let them stay there hours without interruption surfing the web. Don't let this happen to you! If your spouse is spending too much time alone on the internet, knock on that door and ask questions. Find out what is going on. Start talking about your relationship. Don't let an affair begin. You don't have to be famous like Arnold Schwartzenegger, or Tiger Woods to have an affair. It could happen to anyone. Read this interesting article. Please let me know if I can help you.

Best Regards,
Beverly

By Tammy Nelson
Is it cheating if it is only online? Some experts say “yes.”

"Online emotional affairs are just affairs that have not become sexual yet..." said Peggy Vaughan, infidelity expert and author of The Monogamy Myth.
Emotional affairs often start on the internet and then develop into sexual relationships quickly. Vaughan says that her research shows that 56% of online affairs moved into real time contact within one week. Shirley Glass, author of Not Just Friends, found that 82% of people who cheated were friends with their lover first.

Click here to take a quick survey on Online Affairs: TAKE ONLINE AFFAIR SURVEY

Research shows that an online relationship may actually threaten your marriage or partnership. Internet relationships develop from screen to emotional or sexual contact. Although this can relieve loneliness and lend a sense of availability to a relationship, it may actually lead to a deeper sense of isolation.

Are you hiding an internet relationship from your partner? Don’t ignore the attraction or interest to someone you are emailing or chatting with. Talk to your partner and let them know you want to stay close and be bonded with them. Decide what kind of transparency is appropriate for both of you as a couple. Tell each other about your online relationships before they become affairs in cyber-time or real-time.

Experts say an affair begins the moment you lie or hide an internet relationship from your partner. Don’t wait until there is already an issue. Sit down with your partner and talk today.

For more info on the work of Peggy Vaughan go to www.dearpeggy.com or Dr. Tammy Nelson email tammy@drtammynelson.com or go to www.drtammynelson.com

The Mother's Prayer for It's Daughter

2011-04-14T06:42:00.000-07:00

Having first hand experience on raising a daughter, I know the many challenges that can continuously arise. That is why, when I read something that is so funny, and yet true, it is nice to share it. This "prayer" was taken out of Tina Fey's new book Bossypants, 2011. Sounds like a fun book.

Have a great day, and remember that sometimes laughing is the best medicine. Also, keep in mind that you have a lot of support out there if you just ask for it.

Regards,
Beverly

The Mother’s Prayer for Its Daughter
Tina Fey from her new book Bossypants, 2011

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day - And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

Did You Know, Deep Down, That, You'd Get Divorced One Day?

2011-04-05T07:45:00.001-07:00

Since almost 50% of new marriages end in divorce and 75% of second marriages end in divorce, did you ever wonder if the couples knew before they got married that they were not going to stay married? I copied this from AOL on line and thought it was interesting enough to share with my readers. Please let me know any thoughts.

Regards,
Beverly

Did You Know, Deep Down, That You'd Get Divorced One Day?
While at a recent fun dinner, some acquaintances and I were surprised to discover that three out of seven of us had been divorced. Some of us were remarried, some were freshly uncoupled, some were dating, and as the night got more and more dishy, one of the non-divorcees asked if any of us ever had a gut feeling from the start that the marriage was not going to work out. The three divorcees, bonded by our marital histories, looked at each other with dumb recognition. Yes, yes we'd all had reservations about getting married, tucked away in some tiny, shushed pit of our stomachs. We'd all been quietly scared of what we were about to do, and one by one we confessed our reasons for not listening to ourselves -- I thought it was too late to cancel, I thought that everyone felt scared and wrong on their wedding day, I thought marriage would be the thing to fix our relationship. Hindsight is always 20/20, but I imagine a lot of married and divorced people have insights to share about how they felt during their engagement.

Without further adieu, I address this post to the engaged people out there who are wondering if they're making the right decision.

So you're getting married?! That's exciting! Maybe you're planning a huge beautiful event, or maybe you're just having a small ceremony and going to dinner with your parents -- but no matter the size of the wedding, at some point it might start to feel like it's picking up a life of its own, steaming ahead no matter what. If you're wondering if you should be getting married, it's time for a gut check.

How do you know if what you're feeling is just pre-wedding jitters, which are totally natural, and not something more serious?

Take Away Distractions

No matter how busy you are, either planning your wedding or just going through your everyday life, it is more important than ever to take time for yourself. Not for manicures or video games, but to physically be with yourself. Set aside about 15 minutes a day that you just sit in a quiet, non-distracting place with your thoughts, and listen to yourself. What comes up? If things are nagging at you now, there is nothing that a party and some cake is going to correct, so instead of distracting yourself with wedding planning, give yourself time to respect any concerns you have about your marriage.

Put Your Emotions On Paper

How do you feel about being married to your fiancee? Quick, take a moment and write down every single emotion that you have when you think, not about your wedding day, but about being married. Take your time. When you're done, divide up those emotions into positive and negative ones, and check out your list. What themes do you notice? If you really want to get down to the nitty gritty, have your fiancee do this exercise as well and talk about the emotions you both come up with. If my ex and I had done this, maybe we would have seen that we both had the same concerns that we were just getting married because it was the age that a lot of people got married.

Why Are You Getting Married?

Now, I don't mean this in a sense of "why does marriage exist as an institution?" It's a wonderful institution, one that should be enjoyed by all people. What I mean is what made you decide to get married to the person you're marrying at this point in your life? Are you getting married because he asked you? Are you getting married because you've been together a while and you're of "marrying age"? Are you getting married because you want to start building a life with your partner, and this is a huge step in that direction? A lot of people end up getting married more out of expectation than out of passion for each other, but if your options have ever been "we either get married or break up," be careful. Marriage should be a new addition you add to the house that is your relationship, not the structure you impose on the house once it's already built. This is not to say that marriages based on practicality can't be happy and wonderful, but merely to say that what you want, deep down, should never be pushed aside for what you're supposed to want.

How Is Your Relationship?

Take a snapshot of your relationship exactly as it is right now. Freeze. What you must expect is that your relationship will be, no matter how fancy the wedding ceremony or how great the honeymoon, exactly like this for the rest of your lives. No changes whatsoever. Is that something you're okay with, or is part of you convinced that the relationship will evolve once rings are involved? Because I can tell you now -- time evolves a relationship, living together evolves a relationship, and adding responsibilities evolves a relationship. Marriage, on its own, does not. It also does not fix relationships.

Of the divorcees I know, the number one question that we all wish someone had asked us as we went headlong into marriage was, "If you could walk away with absolutely no consequences, would you do it?" Think about it honestly. When I worked with children in the past, I would watch them throw these epic temper tantrums, and out of desperation one day I asked a kid who'd been yelling and crying for about 10 minutes if he was tired and wished he could stop and pretend he never started having a tantrum. He looked up at me through tears and nodded, so I told him his secret would be safe with me. He got up and walked into another room, where I found him playing quietly.

Sometimes we put so much effort into things we're doing, like dating or wedding planning, that we don't stop to think about whether or not we even want the results of that effort. Marriage, even a happy and successful one, can be extremely stressful, but that stress is worth it if you're marrying the best person for you. I write this not in an effort to stop people from getting married, but merely to encourage people to take marriage incredibly seriously. There is nothing you can't walk away from, but if you think leaving a fiancee is hard, try leaving a spouse. Keep asking yourself questions and giving yourself gut checks to make sure you're making a decision that is best for you and best for your relationship.

We would love to hear your own stories of thoughts you had as you were preparing to walk down the aisle -- were you terrified, were you excited, were you trying not to think about it, and how did that correlate with the success of the relationship? Tell us in the comments!

Infidelity, The Real Price To Pay

2010-12-14T06:58:00.000-08:00

In our complex world of marriage, we hear a lot about infidelity. In my practice of mostly couples, the presenting problem most often is betrayal of one spouse. It is a heartbreaking problem from both sides. The hurt partner and the affair partner. This article that appeared in the December 12th, New York Times, discusses this topic from both points of view. It is worth reading and sharing. Hopefully, it might give someone pause to think before making that decision.

A Roomful of Yearning and Regret
Modern Love
The New York Times
By WENDY PLUMP
December 12, 2010

http://tinyurl.com/2w5usll

. . . picturing yourself in the therapist’s office with your betrayed husband after you’ve been found out (and you will be found out). You will hear yourself saying you cheated because your needs weren’t being met. The spark was gone. You were bored in your marriage. Your lover understands you better. One or another version of this excuse will cross your lips like some dark, knee-jerk Hallmark-card sentiment.

I’m not saying these feelings aren’t legitimate, just that they don’t legitimize what you’re doing. . . .

Beverly Zagofsky, MS, LPC

Facebook and Marriage

2010-12-02T17:13:00.000-08:00

Facebook has become a popular way of reconnecting to people whom we haven't seen or heard from in many years. It is a way of staying in touch with family and friends and sharing photos and life experiences to hundreds of people with a single click. In that sense, Facebook can be fun and an efficient means of communication.
However, in my work with many couples over the years, Facebook can also be used as a distraction from the focus of marriage This lack of attention to the relationship helps break down the intimacy necessary to insure and maintain a strong and bonded couplehood.
I have heard stories from partners who feel isolated in their own home when their addicted partner is spending several hours daily chatting and keeping up with their facebook friends. In many cases they are celebrating and wishing their "friends" Birthday Greetings, and forgetting their spouses birthday or their own Anniversary.
This can cause resentment, loneliness and disconnection.
Another negative tendency for some Facebook users, is to keep their Facebook time separate and secret from their partner. When their partner enters the room and the addicted partner is on Facebook, the addicted partner will turn off the screen. This only makes the other partner feel distrust that there are secrets being kept. Trust is the most important element in keeping Marriages together. Both partners must feel safe to say how they feel and be excepted and loved by the other partner. Keeping an open and transparent policy will allow both partners to feel more loved. In order to do this I suggest the following:
1. Share all Facebook, and email passwords with your partners.
2. Allow your partner open access to all phone text messages.
3. Limit Facebook and computer email to 1 hour a day.
4. Make sure that you spend at least 15 to 30 minutes a day catching up in a quiet place, free from distraction while showing interest while you are talking. Ask frequent questions.

More will follow on this very complex subject. Have a good night.

Regards,
Beverly Zagofsky, LPC

Could Dropping Out of High School be the Best Thing?

2010-05-28T16:16:00.000-07:00

Although, I primarily counsel couples, parenting issues often come up with disagreements about their children and different parenting styles. There is a huge emphasis in many communities about getting children into the best schools from nursery schools, up till college and graduate schools. Here is one parent's approach to allowing her daughter to drop out of High School and is actually very supportive about it. Although this wouldn't work for all children, what would you do if this was your daughter?

It's graduation season and the irony, in my household, abounds.

You see, I teach graduate students at one of the top universities in the country, the same university where my husband was a professor as well. I've authored five parenting books, and I write a column for a parenting magazine. I'm often quoted as a "parenting expert." This is a home where bookshelves line the walls, where we eat dinner together every night, where we run to the dictionary for definitions of words we don't know.

My daughter Annie grew up in a hotbed of education. But high school didn't work for her, so I encouraged her to drop out. I'm proud of her for making the choice and I'm proud of myself for supporting it.

As an educator and this so-called "parenting expert," I understand the ramifications of her actions, and I believe she does, too -- as much as any 17-year-old can. Without a diploma, she can't go to a four-year university. Without a college degree, many doors will be closed to her. Sure, she could go to a community college -- she tried that last semester -- though it didn't work for her, either.

Yet.

If I was trying to justify my feelings and her actions, I could list hundreds of high-school dropouts who've become wild successes: Billionaire Richard Branson, movie star Uma Thurman, labor leader Cesar Chavez , scientist Albert Einstein.

But actually I don't really care about that. I care about my daughter's happiness right now. Right now, she works part time in a bookstore, sleeps late, hangs out with her friends, studies acting at a top theater conservatory and dreams about being a movie star. Right now she recovers from her father's sudden death 17 months ago.

Annie passed the California high-school proficiency test at the end of her sophomore year, six months after her father's death. With that, she was done.

Grief and shock were only part of her decision not to go back. She'd struggled during her two years of high school. She'd coped with mononucleosis, attention deficit disorder, dysgraphia, depression, strep throat (twice), a severely sprained ankle, pneumonia and countless colds. She tried hard, and she tried not trying. The teachers had accommodated as much as they could. I'd sat with her many nights as she wept over her homework, struggling to complete work she just didn't see the point in doing.

"School wasn't working out for me," she says. "I believe you're supposed to learn things in school, and I realized that the next two years would be a waste for me to sit through."

I had no argument. High school was not a good fit for her. She was right.

Parenting a teenager is all about trust. I can't force Annie to go to school, though I tried. I can't force her to want to be in school, and unless she wants to be there, she won't go. I trust my daughter's instincts, and I know that a path is not always linear. And she comes from a strong family tradition of alternate paths. It took me nine years to get my BA and I ended up with a successful and creative career. Her father didn't start community college until he was 24. By the time he died, he was the special adviser to a head of state.

Annie is a thoughtful, smart, beautiful girl who knows herself. I'm not worried about her future. She has a job, and she's pursuing her dream of becoming a professional actor. When she wants to, if she wants to finish school, she'll do it. When she's ready for a formal education, she'll find her way. She has to learn what she wants and needs in life, and she has to work for it herself. I will support her in whatever endeavor she chooses -- but the impetus must come from her, not from me.

Parental pride is far more complex than a bumper sticker bragging, "My child is an honor student at Blah Blah High School." My daughter is a high-school dropout, and this mother couldn't be prouder.

Ericka Lutz teaches writing at the University of California, Berkeley, and is the author of On the Go with Baby and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting. Read Ericka's blog, and about her new one-woman show, A Widow's To-Do List, on Red Room.

Are Your Friends Really Having More Sex Than You Are?

2010-05-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

Most couples I counsel have infrequent sexual intimacy. This is usually a problem for at least one of the partners. Generally, I find that the higher the sexual frequency, the happier the marriage. Orgasms produce a release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone that makes a couple feel closer and more connected. I encourage a lot of sex in couples. So enjoy! I thought that you would find the following article interesting.

Are Your Friends Really Having More Sex Than You Are?
by Honey Berk (Subscribe to Honey Berk's posts) May 21st 2010 3:00PM

Categories: In The News, Sex

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Think the bed is always springier on the other side? It may not be true. Credit: Getty Images
There's always that one couple at the dinner party that can't keep their hands off of each other, pawing, smooching, calling each other "sweetie" and "baby," while the other wives and husbands try to keep from ogling and turn their attention to the latest neighborhood gossip.

We roll our eyes and snicker, but, really, we envy the love birds. Admit it, you do, too.

And, come on, wouldn't you just love to know how much sex your married friends are really having?

Well, now we have some insight, thanks to an Village survey of 2,000 American housewives between the ages of 18 and 49. So, try throwing out these stats at your next adult gathering: 23 percent of women reported having sex one to three times a month, while a close 21 percent say they have sex more than 10 times monthly.

Don't fret if your numbers lag a bit, just be happy you're not one of the 9 percent who reported not having sex at all in the past year.

Frequency, however, doesn't seem to be the only determining factor when it comes to satisfaction, since 77 percent of women surveyed reported they were happy with their sex lives, and 48 percent rate their husband as the best sex partner of their life. All great news.

But here's the bad news: 63 percent of women would rather be sleeping, watching a movie or reading than having sex. Maybe it's a matter of that same old, same old: An overwhelming 81 percent of married women rate their sex life as predictable.

Sure, once you discover what rocks your partner's world, it's safe to stick to what you know -- and, on this note, 70 percent of women said they know precisely where their lovemaking will take place -- especially among moms with two or more kids.

More than 50 percent also can predict the nitty gritty details -- including time of day, positions and length of time it takes to do the deed. One in five women can even pinpoint which day of the week sex will take place.

But, on the flip side, 19 percent of women are still looking for ways to mix it up in the bedroom. And more than half of the women surveyed seem to be doing just that, reporting they've used products to enhance sex with their spouse, including lubricant (41 percent), a vibrator (25 percent) or adult toys (17 percent). So, if your night table is strictly off limits to the kids, you're not alone.

Oh, and here's one last question we know you'd love to find out the answer to: Is it normal to bring George Clooney, Johnny Depp or your kid's soccer coach into bed with you? Six in 10 married women have fantasized about having sex with someone other than their husband.

Need more answers? Try the Kinsey Confidential website for questions you wouldn't ask your mother.

Related: Oral Sex is Not Really Sex; Just Ask Your Kids

Comments (111)

Money Can't Buy You Happiness But A Good Marriage Might.

2010-04-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

Hi,

Many couples that I see in therapy, complain that one of the partners, usually the husband, is working long hours at the office. One of the partners, usually the wife, is complaining that she is lonely, and feeling very disconnected. When she wants to go in to therapy with her husband, many times he can not even available to make the appointments because he is traveling on business or gets home too late. Neither partner evaluates whether the additional income is worth the toll it takes on their marriage. Why not read the summary of this article by smartmarriage.com that was written in the New York Times this week. If we could only put as much effort into our marriage as we do into our careers, we would be a much happier society. If you want to read the whole article, it is paste the website on the bottom.

Keep working on your marriage. The rewards will be there.

Regards,
Beverly

This was summarized by SmartMarriage.Com.

Op-Ed Columnist
THE SANDRA BULLOCK TRADE
By DAVID BROOKS
The New York Times
March 29, 2010

> Marital happiness is far more important than anything else in determining
> personal well-being. If you have a successful marriage, it doesn¹t matter how
> many professional setbacks you endure, you will be reasonably happy. If you
> have an unsuccessful marriage, it doesn¹t matter how many career triumphs you
> record, you will remain significantly unfulfilled.
>
> This isn¹t just sermonizing. This is the age of research, so there¹s data to
> back this up. Over the past few decades, teams of researchers have been
> studying happiness. Their work, which seemed flimsy at first, has developed an
> impressive rigor, and one of the key findings is that, just as the old sages
> predicted, worldly success has shallow roots while interpersonal bonds
> permeate through and through. . . .

> If the relationship between money and well-being is complicated, the
> correspondence between personal relationships and happiness is not. The daily
> activities most associated with happiness are sex, socializing after work and
> having dinner with others. The daily activity most injurious to happiness is
> commuting. According to one study, joining a group that meets even just once a
> month produces the same happiness gain as doubling your income. According to
> another, being married produces a psychic gain equivalent to more than
> $100,000 a year. . . .

> . . . . In short, modern societies have developed vast institutions oriented
> around the things that are easy to count, not around the things that matter
> most. They have an affinity for material concerns and a primordial fear of
> moral and social ones.

For the full editorial: http://tinyurl.com/yktabn9

What Makes Happy Couples?

2010-03-27T10:43:00.000-07:00

Since I have been specializing in Couple Counseling, my husband of 30 years has been very supportive of my work. He often reads articles and forwards them over to me. This is one of them that he found interesting. Thank you Larry.

Enjoy!
Beverly

WebMD Feature from "Redbook" MagazineBy Nicole Yorio

Peek into the lives of happy couples and find out how these four love moves will bring the two of you closer than ever.

What do couples who describe their marriages as spectacular do differently than those who describe their marriages as simply so-so? The differences are quite small, actually. "When we look at happy couples, we see that great marriages are not the result of hours of hard work," says relationship researcher Terri L. Orbuch, Ph.D., who followed 373 couples for over 22 years as part of a marriage study funded by the National Institutes of Health. "It's small changes in behavior and attitude that can transform your relationship." In her new book, 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, Orbuch shares the steps you can take to marital greatness.
Understand Each Other's Needs
"The main reason marriages break up is not conflict, communication problems, or sexual incompatibility," Orbuch says. "It's frustration — the day-to-day disappointment of the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts — that is most damaging." To diffuse that frustration, share your expectations with each other. Maybe you desire more affection and he craves more relaxed couple time. "And be sure to check in with your partner once a year, as added pressures or life changes can create new expectations," Orbuch says.
Show Him Some Love
Husbands whose wives give them affirmation — those words and gestures that show they are appreciated, respected, and loved — are twice as likely to describe themselves as happily married. And men may need affirmation more than women, Orbuch's research showed. "Women are constantly receiving flattery from friends and even strangers who say, 'Love your outfit!'" she says. "But men don't get that recognition." Can you imagine a passerby stopping your husband to compliment him on how well his tie matches his shirt? Not gonna happen — which is why men rely on that attention from their wives. Luckily, there's another payoff to your flattery: He's more likely to return those loving deeds back to you.
Take 10
A weekly date night is always recommended as a way to reconnect, but sometimes all you need is a few minutes. "I call this the 10-Minute Rule: Take 10 minutes a day to talk about anything — except for kids, responsibilities, or chores," Orbuch says. Throw out Mom's old advice about how an air of mystery keeps the flame alive: Orbuch's research showed that 98 percent of happy couples say they intimately understand their partners. And knowing your spouse intimately isn't always about engaging in heavy conversations: Anything that helps you learn something new will bring you closer, Orbuch says. You can bond over why you think your dog is the smartest one on your block or which superpower you'd want most. You'll get to know each other's inner world and strengthen your bond of happiness.

Resolving Conflicts

2010-02-07T19:52:00.000-08:00

As a couples therapist in New Jersey, and a partner in a marriage for almost 30 years, I can tell you that the single biggest problem in resolving a conflict is the inability for the couples to focus on one issue. It could be as simple as asking your partner to take out the garbage. You know what I am talking about. Your partner doesn't pay attention to you. You ask again. He still doesn't respond. You get angry and accuse him of never listening to you. He says that you are always nagging. You say that he never does anything that you ask him to do. He reminds you that he went shopping last week. You say that he is lazy. Well you can figure out what happens after that. Asking him to take out the garbage can lead into arguing about every thing and anything, including that he hates it when your mother comes over. World War 3 has just begun. And actually, the garbage still hasn't been taken out.

A better approach is to just focus in on the one problem at hand. Repeat the problem, "Can you please take out the garbage?" He doesn't respond. Again you ask, "Can you please take out the garbage?" He says, "Not right now." You ask "When?" He says, "After I finish watching the game." You make some agreement and try to resolve it. The point that I am making is, try to keep each discussion focused on one issue and one issue alone. The more issues you bring up, the least likely the one issue that is important to you will be addressed. Try not to blame, or raise your voice.

If you focus on only 1 issue and are determine to stick to that one issue, you will reduce 75% of your arguments between you and your spouse. Try it and let me know what happens.

Regards,
Beverly

The Brain is The Most Important Sexual Organ

2009-12-19T18:44:00.000-08:00

Good Evening,

Many of the couples that I work with in marriage therapy in New Jersey, complain about low sexual libido. Many are so stressed and over scheduled that they just don't make sex a priority in their week. I often suggest that they schedule sex in their week, just as they would schedule any other important appointment. This insures the bonding and closeness that sexual intimacy brings to their relationship. Just finding the time to think about Sex and plan for Sex will make Sex that much more exciting. Read on about how the brain is the most important sexual organ, and is probably under utilized. Have fun. It is snowing outside. This is a good time to snuggle up in bed!

Regards,

Beverly

Q. I've recently heard that the brain is the most important sexual organ. What does that mean?

A. You heard right. But, the brain-body response where sex and female sexual desire are concerned is more complicated than just thinking of the brain as a "sexual organ."

First of all, as you know, the brain is the center of all our emotions and thoughts. It also is the operating center for a complex network of neurotransmitters and neuroendocrine systems—nerves, hormones and other chemicals that are responsible for, among other things, sexual desire and response. For example, the brain transmits signals that start a cascade of reactions leading to genital arousal.

When it comes to women and sex, how we feel about ourselves, our lives, our partners and our relationships typically has more to do with whether we feel like having sex. Unlike men, in whom thinking about sex translates to erection, arousal in some women (vaginal wetness, increased blood flow to the vagina) may start after lovemaking begins. In other words, a woman might begin lovemaking relatively uninterested, doing it because she wants to please her partner or because it makes her feel good about herself. As things progress and she focuses on the stimulation and feelings, she becomes aroused and her sex drive, or libido, spikes. In some women, however, arousal may start with just thinking about sex.

Sexual response for women is a complicated mind-body reaction, which is why it's so hard for many women to "get in the mood" when they're distracted, whether by long to-do lists, exhaustion from being up all night with children or issues at work. It also explains why it's difficult for a woman to feel sexual toward her partner if they are fighting or she feels unloved or unappreciated. So, yes, our brains could be our most important sexual organs—when you realize that this is where so much of the sexual response begins.

Taken from Sex and a Healthier you website.

Sometimes Relationship Issues are all about Sex

2009-12-11T05:01:00.000-08:00

In my work with couples, lack of sexual intimacy is high on the radar scale. Couples seek therapy for a variety of issues, such as lack of communication, lack of listening, fighting, family dysfunction, affairs, and money issues. However, when asked how their sex life is, almost all partners feel this arena needs to be improved. Which comes first: Lack of emotional intimacy or lack of sexual intimacy? Read on and please post your opinions. There is help available if you ask for it.

Have a good weekend,
Beverly

On Faith and Love: The Professional
Relationship problems? Sometimes it's all about the sex.
The Washington Post
Ellen McCarthy
Dec 6, 2009

People walk into Barry McCarthy's office, often, after a stint in couples therapy. They've made some good progress, perhaps, but there is one looming issue they can't seem to resolve: sex.

They come and sit before the slight, bespectacled man in his 60s and tell him it's been two years, or four, or 10. And never mind sex, they're not getting so much as a friendly elbow-nudge with any regularity these days.

The paradox about sex, the one that's put so much traffic in the path of his Chevy Chase office, is that when it works, it's not such a big deal, he says. When it doesn't, "it plays an inordinately powerful negative role in people's lives. . . . It truly does destabilize marriages."

McCarthy, a Chicago-born psychologist, came to Washington in the late 1960s when the study of sex -- led by Masters and Johnson - was on the rise. He began teaching a course on human sexuality at American University while developing his psychotherapy practice, which was then composed mainly of individual patients. Over the next three decades, McCarthy's focus shifted more toward couples and individuals with sex issues. He wrote 11 books -- many of them with his wife, Emily -- with titles including "Rekindling Desire," "Coping With Erectile Dysfunction" and "Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style."

What he first tells that prototypical couple, often referred by another therapist, is that there's no need to be embarrassed. One in five couples, he says, have a sexless marriage (having sex 10 or fewer times per year) and that if they want to get out of this painful rut, they'll have to work together. "You're either going to conquer this problem as a team or you're going to lose as a team," he says.

Couples are often locked in a power struggle when they come to see McCarthy, going round after round in the same fight. "The man says 'Why don't we have more sex?' And the woman says 'Why don't we have more intimacy?' " he explains.

And while society has taught people how to talk about sex in terms of stereotypes and dirty jokes, it hasn't offered much guidance, McCarthy says, in talking about the aspects that matter most in a relationship: "What sexual desire and initiation means to them and to each other as a couple."

He sees both parties individually to suss out all the issues on the table -- sometimes it's affairs or a history of sexual trauma or erectile dysfunction or porn addiction or infertility struggles. Most often, he says, the problem is much more mundane: "The sexual charge no longer is there."

"The great majority of couples start off on this sexual high. A lot of sex . . . and it's really fun. It's really validating, but it's not what allows people to be sexual in ongoing relationships," he says. McCarthy says many of the couples who come to him never made what he considers a "crucial transition into figuring out how to integrate intimacy and eroticism in an ongoing relationship . . . into dealing with jobs and kids and dogs and lousy traffic and ugly weather. Real life."

What gets lost in all that real life is desire. And that component, he says, "is truly the big deal -- feeling desired and desirable."

McCarthy often leads couples on a series of exercises designed to reestablish their comfort with touching each other, not just sexually, but in playful, affectionate ways. The idea, he says, is that "desire comes from the interaction -- physical and emotional interaction between the two of them . . . it's this combination of anticipation and touch."

The psychologist says it's still humbling, after 40 years, to see up close how complicated relationships are, and how confounding a role sex can play in people's lives.

But the positive bottom line he impresses on clients is that it might take time and some significant work, but "the majority of couples who are motivated can rebuild sexual desire."

Link to the article:
http://tinyurl.com/yh9yxlh

The Five Demons of Couples Communication

2009-12-09T05:11:00.000-08:00

Written by Pete from the Couples Institute. Everyone backslides under stress and resorts to negative forms of communication. Identifying and understanding this process can only help us to improve our relationships. Read on.

The Five Demons of Couples Communication
As couples therapists, my wife, Ellyn and I hear every kind of ineffective communication. Under stress, people do a lot of unpleasant or nasty things to their partner. Most ineffective reactions can be classified into one of five categories. Although we use all of them once in a while, most of us have favorites we use when feeling threatened, fearful, inadequate or some other kind of emotional pain.

These reactions are basically ineffective coping mechanisms developed to reduce emotional pain. But their ineffectiveness doesn’t stop us from reflexing to them when the stress gets high enough.

Being able to recognizing the five major categories can help to recognize your habitual patterns and start to break them.

Five Categories of Ineffective Communication

Withdrawal – Stonewalling, becoming stoic, giving minimal responses, or exiting in the middle of a heated discussion.

Blaming – Accusing, finger pointing, yelling, trying to dominate the discussion.

Resentful compliance – Over-accommodating to your partner in order to avoid tension or potentially nasty discussions.

Whining – Complaining, competing for the victim position, being very indirect about what you want.

Confusion – Inability to think clearly, going blank.

To create a flourishing relationship, we have to resist using these ineffective coping reactions.

Try these and tell me how it works for you.

Beverly

Couples Computer Protocol

2009-12-04T15:21:00.000-08:00

With the amount of unlimited access to the internet 24/7, and the amount of free time that is available to some people, it is not uncommon for some partners to get into trouble in Chat rooms, porno sites, face book and other meeting arenas. Although most couples can handle these sites without problems because of limited use, some are involving themselves in relationships other than with their spouses, because it is so easy. Even if they are not actually meeting these people face to face, there is the temptation to do so. It also allows the addicted partner to take away the time that he/she could be connecting to their spouse. For those couples where one partner has already strayed or want to prevent a partner from straying, you might read the Couples Computer Protocol that was forwarded to me by Chris Gersten from SmartMarriages.com. Please send me any comments.

Couples¹ Computer Protocol

The Computer Protocol (CP) is designed to create a commitment to complete
transparency in computer use to increase each partner¹s confidence in the
commitment to fidelity of his/her partner.

Here are a set of rules to help couples avoid the trauma that comes from
discovering hidden relationships and porn use on the computer.

· Share your password with your spouse
· For couples that own computers that require usernames/passwords, it
may be best to have a single account/username for the couple.
· Offer to install web-tracking software to build trust. This device
allows your partner to see every place you have visited on the net. This is
particularly important if trust is an issue in a relationship. If trust has
been violated, or one partner is prone to jealousy, then offering to install
web-tracking software can help restore trust and reduce jealousy.
· Do not create additional email accounts to hide communications from
your spouse.
· Make it clear to your spouse that he/she is welcome to look through
your computer emails.
· Never visit pornography sites.
· Never visit personals sites.
· This includes sites like Craigslist Adult Services and other sites
that are a cover for prostitution services.
· Do not visit open-ended chat-rooms. Only visit chat-rooms that are
issue-specific on issues that you need help with, such as software problems.
Most information can be found through bulletin or message boards or on sites
that do not allow interaction between individuals.

· Instant Messaging
· Make sure your spouse knows or is aware of everyone in your
³buddy/friend² list or knows that she has access to the list at any time.
· Do not engage in IM conversations of a private or provocative nature.
· Do not search for prior boyfriends/girlfriends online.
· Social Networking sites like Facebook, and MySpace are the
exceptions. Former partners may contact you regardless of whether you
initiate contact. In these situations it is always best to inform your
partner and ask for their input/recommendation. This two-way communication
and decision making process builds trust.

· Social Networking
· Facebook/MySpace/LinkedIn/ are all very popular and it is likely that
at least one person in a relationship will have an account. Rules to follow:
1. Make sure to set your relationship status to ³Married² to alert
others that you are taken and post a picture of yourself and your spouse.
2. Have a single account for a couple, e.g. JohnAndJane
Doe@facebook/myspace.
3. If each person wants their own account, make sure to share passwords.
4. Tell your partner when you¹ve added a friend of the opposite gender.
5. Do not carry on private conversations with friends of the opposite
gender via social networking sites.

· Place the family computer in an open place in your home. This reduces
the temptation to browse adult-themed sites and engage in provocative
conversations via computer. This is especially important when there are
children in the home. Children should not be allowed access to the Internet
unless they are in an area where parents can freely observe their activity.

· Designate specific times during the day when you should and should
not use the computer for personal use.

Good Morning

2009-12-04T06:03:00.000-08:00

Most couples feel under-appreciated by their partners. It is natural to assume our partner is not working as hard as we are and criticize more than we compliment. We take each other for granted despite the important things our partners do for us. When we are unappreciated, we want to do less for each other, not more. It is a good idea to start out every day by telling your partner one good adjective to describe why you love him or her. Give a kiss and a hug. It will kick start your morning and make your partner think of you all day in a positive light. It will work for both of you.

2009-12-03T15:12:00.000-08:00

Although porn can add some positive excitement to a good marriage that needs a little spark, there could be some negative elements which would be detrimental to the couple. Read on and form your own opinion. Please feel free to let me know how you feel about this subject.

This is a handy-dandy summary of what porn does to a couple, family, village
from Pat Fagan at the Family Research Council. Another very helpful fact
sheet to have lying around in your waiting room. A few bullets:

> # Married men who are involved in pornography feel less satisfied with their conjugal relations and less emotionally attached to their wives. Wives notice and are upset by the difference.

> # Among couples affected by one spouse's addiction, two-thirds experience a loss of interest in sexual intercourse.

> # Both spouses perceive pornography viewing as tantamount to infidelity.

> # Pornography is addictive, and neuroscientists are beginning to map the biological substrate of this addiction.

> # Users tend to become desensitized to the type of pornography they use, become bored with it, and then seek more perverse forms of pornography.

Quotes of the Week

2009-11-30T13:54:00.001-08:00

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.
-Robert Fulghum

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
-Theodore Hesburgh

To get the full value of joy
You must have someone to divide it with.
-Mark Twain

My dad always asks my wife, "Is he treating you right?" It reminds me of my responsibility to be a good husband.
-National Fatherhood Initiative Why Knot? handbook