Divorce Sucks

Hi,

I work with many couples where one partner is coming to see me to sort out whether he/she should leave or whether he/she should stay and work on their marriage. For some, it seems so much harder to stay in a marriage that they feel is emotionally empty and not fulfilling all of their needs. Staying is especially difficult, if they are already involved in an emotional or a physical affair at the same time that they are trying to make this decision. Nothing can compare to the excitement, newness and passion of a new relationship. The average affair lasts between 18 months and 2 years. After that, the same issues that made the affair partner feel tied down, unappreciated, misunderstood and stressed, tends to surface and the reality sets in. The problem becomes that much more complicated with more people involved, and more drama.
Here is an interesting article written by a woman about her experience with divorce. It gives you a realistic view of what happens to the children, that might be forgotten when you are in the excitement of the affair.
Your children need you forever and should be your number one focus. Your actions will always impact them. I know, because I see it daily from the couples who come for counseling. Many of them have been impacted by their parents relationship and their behaviors and view them as role models of how a marriage should work. Before you decide to divorce, consider your children.

Call me if you need me.
Regards,
Beverly Zagofsky
908 879 2222




Wasbands And Wives: Seven Reasons To Stay Married
Huffington Post
9-18-11 by Gigi Levangie
http://tinyurl.com/6lydakk

Divorce sucks.
I mean, it really sucks. Got kids? If so, don't do it.

You probably think you have no reason to listen to me. I'd agree if we were talking about shifting weather patterns or why Lil' Wayne has diamonds instead of front teeth. But, hey, I've lived a pretty long time -- by L.A. standards, I'm ancient -- and I've had many life experiences, among them two marriages.

My novels The Starter Wife and Queen Takes King, as well as the original screenplay I wrote for Stepmom, all center on marital break-ups. I've become a reluctant expert; the poster ex-wife for divorce. My second wasband and I (I coined the term, it sounds nicer than "ex") get along so well that we are often mistaken for a happily married couple at Little League games, the school play, or a first grader's birthday party. We still share holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and, of course, Super Bowl Sunday. We sign off on emails to each other with a minimum three x's and o's. We kiss hello, we hug goodbye. Our divorce -- though public and heavily laden with fancy attorneys whose grandchildren's weddings we paid for -- was actually about as amicable as one could hope. I have never said a bad word about my "was" to my children; I hope he can say the same.

What we no longer share is the bond of marriage.

The first time around, I was married just three months after meeting Starter Husband at a nightclub. (I didn't say I was smart, just married.) My "starter" marriage proved to be just that -- lasting three years, a year for each month of courtship.

I left my home, husband, four dogs, and shotgun, and moved around the corner from Canter's Deli to an empty apartment with an empty aquarium. The first week apart from Starter Husband, I lost eight pounds. Friends forced me to eat matzoh ball soup, counting every spoonful. At night, alone in bed for the first time in years, I swam through my tears while listening to George Michael and Don Henley (the only time I've listened to Don Henley), weeping to Van Cliburn playing Mozart sonatas.

I also wrote my first screenplay.

I reasoned that marriage had held me back from fulfilling my dreams, from self-actualization -- the pinnacle of Maslow's hierarchy of needs (love and belonging hovering way below, only after safety needs and stuff like "breathing"). Oprah would have been proud.

I swore to my friends I would never marry again.
---
Um. Hey. Guess what? I was wrong. I got married. Again.

The second was supposed to be "my" marriage -- ironic. I'd been determined to make holy matrimony my bitch. I knew the territory. We drove my baby-blue Ford Falcon downtown, got married in front of a judge and several gang members . Then I dashed off, making it to work that day by 10:30 that morning.

This time I would do it right. But after over 16 years of living together, almost ten years of marriage, with a family unit of two little boys, my husband's two older children, and a mini-dachshund named Cecil, I found myself divorced. Again.
I was in my forties, and hadn't learned a thing about relationships. If anything, I was less sure of what I knew at this point than when I was 16 and happily engaged to Prince (in my head). Since I'm not remotely Elizabeth Taylor, this divorce thing was getting old, fast.

What I've learned since is that divorce lingers. It makes you sad when you least expect it. It colors everything -- from a first date with a promising somebody to a basketball game where your kid makes three-pointers. And you can tell yourself, yeah, I did it for my kids, so they could grow up with a healthy mother, a happier mother who had more time for them. But single motherhood, even with access to help, is not for sissies. Sure, I have more control over my children under the circumstances -- but in return, I'm more strung-out, I'm more overwhelmed.

Okay, after the second break-up, I no longer have to eat osso bucco with Sumner Redstone, and that almost makes it worth it, but I also have to answer my children's questions about why, how, when. I have to tell them that -- despite my past, despite my wasband's past -- marriage is still worth trying.

It is also worth preserving.

Ladies (and curious men), these are my top seven (and a half) reasons for staying married:

1. All men suck...
...and all men are great. All men are annoying. And all men put the toilet seat down every time. All men are needy. And all men live to make you happy. All men are demanding. And all men are easy. (Well, actually, all men are easy, especially those in politics, but that's a whole other subject.)

All men are cheap. And all men love shopping at the Tiffany's counter. All men keep you guessing. And all men check in several times a day, just because. All men hog the covers. And all men tuck you in at night. All men are dull. And all men will whisk you off to Napa on a moment's notice.

All men are mama's boys. And all men are fighter pilots. All men are complicated. And all men have basic needs, like ESPN in HD.

Do you get what I'm saying, here? Men are human. Weird, I know.

Basically, if you hate your spouse and get divorced, you will be trading him in for a similar model, only in chinos. If you're lucky.

2. Raising kids on your own sucks...
...but this doesn't mean you want to raise them with someone new.

Divorce with children is -- mathematically speaking -- 180 million times worse than divorce without children. I'm sure there's a New York Times study to back me up on this.

Kids are not better off with divorced parents. (Hi, angry tweets from ecstatically divorced parents!) Psychologist Judith Wallerstein conducted a 25-year study on the effects of divorce on the children involved; her book chronicling her findings is more frightening than any TV commercial advertising an Anthony Hopkins movie. If I really don't want to sleep at night, I'll reread her statistics. For example, children of divorce are more likely than children from intact families to drop out of school, suffer drug and alcohol problems, require psychotherapy, and get divorced themselves.
Recently, there was a new study in The American Sociological Review that showed children of divorce lag in math scores and social skills. For years.

Insomnia, much?

My observations of children of divorce, including my own, are simple. Divorce makes your kids' life harder. Would you want to go to a different home every few days because it suits someone else's schedule? Would you like to remember at which house you left your wallet, your laptop, your workout bag, your briefcase? How about sleep in a different bed, use a different toothbrush, get used to the new person in the kitchen and the master bedroom? Your kids have to remember textbooks, notebooks, backpacks, favorite t-shirts, socks, Vans, homework, football helmet, cleats... No wonder these kids are more anxious.

On top of that, they have to do science reports in first grade, master algebra in fifth. Everything's gotten harder. I've volunteered in my sons' classes, and I hate to say it, but I can tell which children have parents who are divorced.


Admitting this brings me no pleasure, and a great deal of pain.

A friend of mine, a divorced mother, told me that her son was depressed about the new woman in his dad's life. "I'm afraid I'm going to forget our Christmases, Mom," he told her, "Someday, will it be like they never happened?"

Consistency is key to a happy, healthy childhood. Guess what's inconsistent? Living with divorce.

3. The money sucks.
Financially speaking, both men and women are better off staying married. Post-divorce, the higher wage-earner typically pays alimony and child support. The lower wage-earner typically endures a lower standard of living.

Fighting over money turns people into the worst versions of themselves. This is true whether you're divorced or married. Throw divorce lawyers into the mix and you have a recipe for bankruptcy, both financial and moral.

I've found that in dating, men are expensive -- probably as expensive as women. I know many divorced women who've lent money to their boyfriends or bought them expensive gifts. No longer do men feel remiss in accepting, and in some cases, demanding money, clothes, cars, trinkets. Hey, we wanted men to be more like us, right? We've turned men into luxury items.

The only good thing to come out of this recession is that fewer people are getting divorced. Why? They can't afford to.

4. Raising other people's kids suck...
...because you're also raising not only their issues, but their parents' issues. That's a f-ckload of issues, to put it in psychological terms. If you get divorced, it's likely you're going to be dating other divorced people -- and guess what, they come with the same thing you have -- ex-and-kid baggage. Hey, I love kids, I've raised or helped raise enough of them, going back over two decades -- but being a stepparent, or even a stepfriend -- is not for the faint of heart. Parents get bent out of shape when another adult comes into the picture, no matter how good their intentions. I've got the restraining order to prove it.

Fitting the pieces together with others after a divorce is a constant struggle, whether you're talking about old exes, new marriages, or the children from either. I've talked and talked to women and men desperately trying to figure out how and when and with whom to start again. And why? Why put yourself through the drama? How do you fit the puzzle pieces together when one of the pieces is a hormonal pre-teen, another is a borderline personality ex bent on destroying everything in her path, including her own child, and a third is the dog who growls every time you enter the room.

This is not the most romantic scenario.

Bottom line: You may care as much for your significant other's children as they do, but you are not their parent.

5. Dating sucks (after the first three months); your ex dating sucks and never stops sucking.
Look at your date. Does his slightly wheezy laugh grate on your nerves? What about the fact that he just called his ex-wife a b-tch? Or, better yet, a c-nt? Charmed yet? Do you like a backwards baseball cap and baggy jeans on a forty-year-old? No? Guess how much you're going to like it in twenty years? Just. As. Much.

Every little quirk that you find the slightest bit irritating in your dining partner is guaranteed to become the central core of his personality as the years pile on. Good luck with that.

Speaking of dating. Dates will shock you -- shock you -- with what they believe is normal behavior. When a dinner date feels like a scene from Hangover 2, you know you're in trouble.

Internet dating now seems like a safe, time-tested way to get to know people -- until you read about the film executive who was the victim of a sexual attack by a man she met on Match.Com. Craigslist is just another name for potential date rape; to a single mother, nothing is scarier than craigslist.

Which brings me to another point: sex. Living with children is like living with parents. Except you're not a teenager, trying to sneak one over on Mom and Dad. You are the sole member of the household responsible for the health and well-being of your children. And your kids don't want you to date. They don't want you to bring home someone new. Even if they like the new guy or girl, they don't want to appear to be choosing sides against their other biological parent.
When you do go out with someone (after the kids go to bed), you size them up not only against your standards, but the standards of your children. You're not the only one going out on that date -- your seven-year-old is right there with you, with his toothy grin. Your fourteen-year-old is scowling in the background. Your stoic ten-year-old has tears welling up in his eyes.

Frankly, other than superficial dating far away from your kids' eyes and ears, E.S.P. might be the only thing that makes sense for the single parent.

Yes, your happiness is important, but the moment you gave birth, your happiness took a backseat to that squalling bundle of joy. You're not a teenager anymore. It's not about you. Your self-actualization and self-esteem needs to move over and make some mac and cheese.

Keep this in mind, as well. Just as time is the only true test of love and marriage -- time is the true test of divorce, as well. Time heals, it clarifies in surprising ways. The old hurts seem more minor, less lacerating. Now you've been hurt anew, and by someone with whom you don't share children or a dog or a name. You've been hurt by someone you barely even know.

6. Bumps in the night suck.
A single mother feels it every day: When the sun goes down, there is no one there to watch your back. I have to be combination nursemaid and Rambo. I have not slept a full night in three years; it's hard to sleep with one eye open and a dog named Peanut the only thing between you and potential threat. A phone call after nine sends chills down my spine. The other night my doorbell rang at 11:30. It was a drunken teenage girl (I'm learning there are no other kind) demanding her purse back. Er, you may not find this frightening if you have a man in the house. I, on the other hand, called the cops, and thought seriously about getting a gun.

It's scary not being married.

7. Synergy sucks...
...when it's gone. Prior to my divorce, an Oscar-winning screenwriter told me to keep in mind that a couple is more than just the sum of two people. Do you get it? Neither did I, but that's probably why I don't have an Oscar. Still, I've thought about what he said a lot since then. He was speaking of synergy, the mutually advantageous conjunction of distinct elements. The two of you have combined to make something that would not otherwise exist. What we are together is greater than what we are apart.

On the other hand (now ring-free), when you divorce, there's you and the divorce.

A marriage is a living thing. A divorce -- while it can go on forever in court, bankrupting you financially, emotionally, mentally and physically -- is not a living thing; it's a death.

Really hard to see that when you're furious at each other, with one foot out the door, your middle finger raised high. Adrenalin loves a dramatic exit.

There's that fallback saying people in a break-up often say: "You want to get to know someone? Divorce them". I don't believe it. I think it should be reworded: You want to get to know someone under the most stressful conditions...

On the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale, divorce is just a tad less stressful than death of a spouse (presumably, one you liked). People don't behave well under that kind of stress. Money is tight, the kids are upset, in the air is the odor of hatred. The spouse that you loved enough to marry is now a raging dick.

If your husband beat you, verbally abused you more than you verbally abused him, abused drugs, alcohol, or wanted a porn family, then by all means, leave. You're better off. But, in other cases, maybe there's a higher order. Maybe we were actually correct in selecting that person, that spouse, to procreate with.

In the midst of our separation, our family therapist, a cancer survivor in her 60s, who'd been practicing for many years, gave me sage advice, which I was too angry or blind to accept. "Wait until the kids are launched," she told me. "Who knows? You may even find yourself in love again, with your husband."

I chose not to take it. A big part of me wishes I had.

To Save a Marriage, Split up?

As a Marriage Counselor, I am in the business of saving marriages. I work very hard to keep marriages together. I sometimes feel like the cheerleader, holding on to any victory that the distressed couple feels in my office. I believe that if they only worked harder, become less reactive, gave up their affair partner or many other reasons, that they can keep their marriage together. Studies have shown that five years after an affair, if the marriage can survive, the couple is happier than they had ever been before. However, during the time of deciding whether they should stay or whether they should go, it is often the most excruciating period for both partners. If you or your partner is on the fence and can't decide what to do in your marriage, this article might help you. This may be the last resort that you have to try, in order to save your marriage. I suggest reading the book "Should I stay or go? How controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage" by Lee Raffel. I hope that any couple who feels this much pain should first try couples counseling. If you leave with out understanding why you left your marriage, you may run the risk of repeating these same problems in your next relationship.
Good Luck and Call me if you need me.
Beverly


By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN
The Wall Street Journal
August 9, 2011

After 35 years of marriage, Mark Earnhart came home one day and told his wife, Jeanine, that he wanted a separation. He said he was tired of the bickering and tension, the lack of communication, how they never did anything together anymore.

His wife sadly agreed that the marriage seemed broken. So Mr. Earnhart, a chiropractor, moved out of their home to a furnished apartment on the other side of San Juan Island, in Washington.

Three months later husband and wife were back together. They have been married now for 42 years.

It seems counterintuitive: How can a separation save a marriage? When a couple splits—even for a trial period—isn't that just a pit stop on the way to divorce?

Surprisingly, many marriage therapists recommend a separation, albeit as a measure of last resort. They say that if both spouses set specific parameters, the space and time to think that a trial separation provides just might be what is needed to save the relationship. Still, there are few, if any, statistics that show whether it works or how many couples try separating.

Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, a marriage and family therapist in Mount Kisco, N.Y., has helped about 40 couples arrange trial separations over the past 20 years and says that about half reconciled and remained married.

Ms. O'Neill recommends that a separation shouldn't just happen—after one partner storms out, say. The couple should decide who will move out and where that person will live, how the finances will be handled, the care-giving of the kids, what to tell friends and family, and—very importantly—how long the separation will last. She believes that six months is ideal, and most experts agree. It's long enough to set up a second household and gain perspective, but not long enough to seem permanent.

Share Sparingly: The Earnharts discussed their plan to split, and their reasons, with their family, shown on a recent visit. Therapists suggest sharing details only with those closest to you who must know.

If a couple has experienced infidelity, they should deal with that issue in therapy before planning a separation, says Ms. O'Neill.

Marriage therapists say that by the time most couples show up in therapy talking about divorce it's often too late to salvage the relationship. There's so much anger, hurt and mistrust that the partners can't work out their issues.

But what if the partners took a break before the hatred set in? It wouldn't have to be the formal separation that is often a legal precursor to divorce, but an informal break to give the spouses some space to breathe, think and calm down.

Often, the reality-check that marital separations provide—the prospect of unraveling finances, facing dating again, fully grasping the collateral damage done to the kids—is enough to make people resolve to work harder on the marriage.

"Sometimes having a dress rehearsal for divorce makes them realize they don't want to do it," says Richard Levak, a psychologist who works with couples in Del Mar, Calif.

Linda Lea Viken, a divorce attorney in Rapid City, S.D., and president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says it's important for each party to understand the other's motivation. She has seen cases in which one person isn't really interested in reconciling, but wants to use the separation to buy time to rearrange or dispose of assets.

Ms. Viken also warns couples that the arrangements made during a trial separation, such as who pays the bills and where the children live, may have a big impact on an eventual divorce, if there is one. It will be hard, for example, to convince a judge to award full custody of the children to one parent if in the separation period the couple had agreed to a 50-50 split. For this reason, she suggests that each spouse consult a divorce attorney.

Then there's the fraught issue of whether each party is allowed to see other people during the separation. Some therapists believe that dating is OK, as long as both parties are truly comfortable with the decision. Ms. Viken disagrees. "If one of the parties wants to date, this is not a trial separation, it's the end," she says.

Another tricky issue: What to tell family and friends? Experts say couples should decide together what the party line is, then tell only those people who really need to know. "Until a marriage is going to go down the path of divorce, you should keep as much to yourselves as you can, otherwise it may come back to haunt you if you stay together," Ms. O'Neill says.

The couple separated for three months then reunited.

The Earnharts, who are both 61 and live in Friday Harbor, Wash., decided to separate in 2003. They say they had gotten to the point where they barely spoke. He spent his spare time golfing, and she went shopping or to lunch with friends. They ate dinner in front of the TV without talking, gave each other the silent treatment for days on end, and rarely had sex.

By the time Mr. Earnhart decided to move out, the couple had read numerous self-help books, taken separate vacations and gone to see two marriage therapists. Nothing helped. Ms. Earnhart wrote down a list of things that irritated her about her husband. At the top: The way he chewed, monopolized a conversation and walked like a duck.

"We repelled each other," Mr. Earnhart says.

"I thought, 'Why not do what you want to do?' " adds his wife. "Life is too short and I don't like you anyway."

So he moved to a condo, yet continued to pay the couple's bills. She stayed in their house. They told their adult son and daughter why they were separating and were relieved when their kids said they understood.

And they talked regularly, at first on the phone. Then Mr. Earnhart started coming over to the house with a bottle of wine. They would sit outside, look at the water and discuss how to divide up their assets in a divorce. They talked about how they could communicate better and be less judgmental.

After awhile, they realized they missed their friendship. They talked about the memories they shared—how they'd bought a house and built a life together—and wondered what they were doing by throwing it all away. One night, they ended up in bed together.

"It was kind of like falling in love again," says Ms. Earnhart. "He would come over for some silly reason, and we would have a heck of a conversation and a really good time."

"When you are apart, you have time to reflect, first on all of the things that were upsetting in your life with each other," says her husband. "And then you realize that you've allowed things that maybe aren't really important to take on a life of their own."

After three months of living apart, Mr. Earnhart moved back in. Now, the couple tries to talk out problems as soon as they arise, often leaving each other polite, little notes about an issue, like the one that Ms. Earnhart recently left her husband, telling him she felt he had been rude and didn't want to stew on the issue. He left her a note, apologizing.

They also entertain friends and travel, taking road trips to California and Alaska. Mr. Earnhart cooks dinner each night, and the two often eat while watching—and discussing—whatever is on the Food Network. They have self-published a book about marriage, called "Marriage Works."

"You can get to the point where you feel that there's no way that you will ever fall in love with this person again, but you can," says Ms. Earnhart. "He still waddles like a duck, but now I love him for it."

Taking a Marriage Timeout
Some issues to consider before trying a separation:

• Get a marriage therapist. A trained professional can help mediate between the two parties.

• Consult an attorney specializing in family law. Find out how the terms of the separation could affect any eventual divorce. A consultation sometimes scares people into working harder on their marriage, once they face the reality of what divorced life will be like, says Linda Lea Viken, a divorce lawyer.

• Agree on logistics. Who will leave and where will that person go? Who will pay the bills? Who will take care of the kids and how much time will the other spouse be able to see them?

• Consider email your friend. Writing to each other, rather than meeting or talking on the phone, can be a way to defuse the tension.

• Put your agreement in writing. This doesn't require a lawyer. A therapist can do it. It protects one spouse from taking advantage of the other.

For the full article and photos: http://tinyurl.com/3jhx4wa Contact me Marriage Therapy, Chester New Jersey Regards, Beverly Zagofsky