In our complex world of marriage, we hear a lot about infidelity. In my practice of mostly couples, the presenting problem most often is betrayal of one spouse. It is a heartbreaking problem from both sides. The hurt partner and the affair partner. This article that appeared in the December 12th, New York Times, discusses this topic from both points of view. It is worth reading and sharing. Hopefully, it might give someone pause to think before making that decision.
A Roomful of Yearning and Regret
Modern Love
The New York Times
By WENDY PLUMP
December 12, 2010
http://tinyurl.com/2w5usll
. . . picturing yourself in the therapist’s office with your betrayed husband after you’ve been found out (and you will be found out). You will hear yourself saying you cheated because your needs weren’t being met. The spark was gone. You were bored in your marriage. Your lover understands you better. One or another version of this excuse will cross your lips like some dark, knee-jerk Hallmark-card sentiment.
I’m not saying these feelings aren’t legitimate, just that they don’t legitimize what you’re doing. . . .
Beverly Zagofsky, MS, LPC
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Facebook and Marriage
Facebook has become a popular way of reconnecting to people whom we haven't seen or heard from in many years. It is a way of staying in touch with family and friends and sharing photos and life experiences to hundreds of people with a single click. In that sense, Facebook can be fun and an efficient means of communication.
However, in my work with many couples over the years, Facebook can also be used as a distraction from the focus of marriage This lack of attention to the relationship helps break down the intimacy necessary to insure and maintain a strong and bonded couplehood.
I have heard stories from partners who feel isolated in their own home when their addicted partner is spending several hours daily chatting and keeping up with their facebook friends. In many cases they are celebrating and wishing their "friends" Birthday Greetings, and forgetting their spouses birthday or their own Anniversary.
This can cause resentment, loneliness and disconnection.
Another negative tendency for some Facebook users, is to keep their Facebook time separate and secret from their partner. When their partner enters the room and the addicted partner is on Facebook, the addicted partner will turn off the screen. This only makes the other partner feel distrust that there are secrets being kept. Trust is the most important element in keeping Marriages together. Both partners must feel safe to say how they feel and be excepted and loved by the other partner. Keeping an open and transparent policy will allow both partners to feel more loved. In order to do this I suggest the following:
1. Share all Facebook, and email passwords with your partners.
2. Allow your partner open access to all phone text messages.
3. Limit Facebook and computer email to 1 hour a day.
4. Make sure that you spend at least 15 to 30 minutes a day catching up in a quiet place, free from distraction while showing interest while you are talking. Ask frequent questions.
More will follow on this very complex subject. Have a good night.
Regards,
Beverly Zagofsky, LPC
However, in my work with many couples over the years, Facebook can also be used as a distraction from the focus of marriage This lack of attention to the relationship helps break down the intimacy necessary to insure and maintain a strong and bonded couplehood.
I have heard stories from partners who feel isolated in their own home when their addicted partner is spending several hours daily chatting and keeping up with their facebook friends. In many cases they are celebrating and wishing their "friends" Birthday Greetings, and forgetting their spouses birthday or their own Anniversary.
This can cause resentment, loneliness and disconnection.
Another negative tendency for some Facebook users, is to keep their Facebook time separate and secret from their partner. When their partner enters the room and the addicted partner is on Facebook, the addicted partner will turn off the screen. This only makes the other partner feel distrust that there are secrets being kept. Trust is the most important element in keeping Marriages together. Both partners must feel safe to say how they feel and be excepted and loved by the other partner. Keeping an open and transparent policy will allow both partners to feel more loved. In order to do this I suggest the following:
1. Share all Facebook, and email passwords with your partners.
2. Allow your partner open access to all phone text messages.
3. Limit Facebook and computer email to 1 hour a day.
4. Make sure that you spend at least 15 to 30 minutes a day catching up in a quiet place, free from distraction while showing interest while you are talking. Ask frequent questions.
More will follow on this very complex subject. Have a good night.
Regards,
Beverly Zagofsky, LPC
Friday, May 28, 2010
Could Dropping Out of High School be the Best Thing?
Although, I primarily counsel couples, parenting issues often come up with disagreements about their children and different parenting styles. There is a huge emphasis in many communities about getting children into the best schools from nursery schools, up till college and graduate schools. Here is one parent's approach to allowing her daughter to drop out of High School and is actually very supportive about it. Although this wouldn't work for all children, what would you do if this was your daughter?
It's graduation season and the irony, in my household, abounds.
You see, I teach graduate students at one of the top universities in the country, the same university where my husband was a professor as well. I've authored five parenting books, and I write a column for a parenting magazine. I'm often quoted as a "parenting expert." This is a home where bookshelves line the walls, where we eat dinner together every night, where we run to the dictionary for definitions of words we don't know.
My daughter Annie grew up in a hotbed of education. But high school didn't work for her, so I encouraged her to drop out. I'm proud of her for making the choice and I'm proud of myself for supporting it.
As an educator and this so-called "parenting expert," I understand the ramifications of her actions, and I believe she does, too -- as much as any 17-year-old can. Without a diploma, she can't go to a four-year university. Without a college degree, many doors will be closed to her. Sure, she could go to a community college -- she tried that last semester -- though it didn't work for her, either.
Yet.
If I was trying to justify my feelings and her actions, I could list hundreds of high-school dropouts who've become wild successes: Billionaire Richard Branson, movie star Uma Thurman, labor leader Cesar Chavez , scientist Albert Einstein.
But actually I don't really care about that. I care about my daughter's happiness right now. Right now, she works part time in a bookstore, sleeps late, hangs out with her friends, studies acting at a top theater conservatory and dreams about being a movie star. Right now she recovers from her father's sudden death 17 months ago.
Annie passed the California high-school proficiency test at the end of her sophomore year, six months after her father's death. With that, she was done.
Grief and shock were only part of her decision not to go back. She'd struggled during her two years of high school. She'd coped with mononucleosis, attention deficit disorder, dysgraphia, depression, strep throat (twice), a severely sprained ankle, pneumonia and countless colds. She tried hard, and she tried not trying. The teachers had accommodated as much as they could. I'd sat with her many nights as she wept over her homework, struggling to complete work she just didn't see the point in doing.
"School wasn't working out for me," she says. "I believe you're supposed to learn things in school, and I realized that the next two years would be a waste for me to sit through."
I had no argument. High school was not a good fit for her. She was right.
Parenting a teenager is all about trust. I can't force Annie to go to school, though I tried. I can't force her to want to be in school, and unless she wants to be there, she won't go. I trust my daughter's instincts, and I know that a path is not always linear. And she comes from a strong family tradition of alternate paths. It took me nine years to get my BA and I ended up with a successful and creative career. Her father didn't start community college until he was 24. By the time he died, he was the special adviser to a head of state.
Annie is a thoughtful, smart, beautiful girl who knows herself. I'm not worried about her future. She has a job, and she's pursuing her dream of becoming a professional actor. When she wants to, if she wants to finish school, she'll do it. When she's ready for a formal education, she'll find her way. She has to learn what she wants and needs in life, and she has to work for it herself. I will support her in whatever endeavor she chooses -- but the impetus must come from her, not from me.
Parental pride is far more complex than a bumper sticker bragging, "My child is an honor student at Blah Blah High School." My daughter is a high-school dropout, and this mother couldn't be prouder.
Ericka Lutz teaches writing at the University of California, Berkeley, and is the author of On the Go with Baby and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting. Read Ericka's blog, and about her new one-woman show, A Widow's To-Do List, on Red Room.
It's graduation season and the irony, in my household, abounds.
You see, I teach graduate students at one of the top universities in the country, the same university where my husband was a professor as well. I've authored five parenting books, and I write a column for a parenting magazine. I'm often quoted as a "parenting expert." This is a home where bookshelves line the walls, where we eat dinner together every night, where we run to the dictionary for definitions of words we don't know.
My daughter Annie grew up in a hotbed of education. But high school didn't work for her, so I encouraged her to drop out. I'm proud of her for making the choice and I'm proud of myself for supporting it.
As an educator and this so-called "parenting expert," I understand the ramifications of her actions, and I believe she does, too -- as much as any 17-year-old can. Without a diploma, she can't go to a four-year university. Without a college degree, many doors will be closed to her. Sure, she could go to a community college -- she tried that last semester -- though it didn't work for her, either.
Yet.
If I was trying to justify my feelings and her actions, I could list hundreds of high-school dropouts who've become wild successes: Billionaire Richard Branson, movie star Uma Thurman, labor leader Cesar Chavez , scientist Albert Einstein.
But actually I don't really care about that. I care about my daughter's happiness right now. Right now, she works part time in a bookstore, sleeps late, hangs out with her friends, studies acting at a top theater conservatory and dreams about being a movie star. Right now she recovers from her father's sudden death 17 months ago.
Annie passed the California high-school proficiency test at the end of her sophomore year, six months after her father's death. With that, she was done.
Grief and shock were only part of her decision not to go back. She'd struggled during her two years of high school. She'd coped with mononucleosis, attention deficit disorder, dysgraphia, depression, strep throat (twice), a severely sprained ankle, pneumonia and countless colds. She tried hard, and she tried not trying. The teachers had accommodated as much as they could. I'd sat with her many nights as she wept over her homework, struggling to complete work she just didn't see the point in doing.
"School wasn't working out for me," she says. "I believe you're supposed to learn things in school, and I realized that the next two years would be a waste for me to sit through."
I had no argument. High school was not a good fit for her. She was right.
Parenting a teenager is all about trust. I can't force Annie to go to school, though I tried. I can't force her to want to be in school, and unless she wants to be there, she won't go. I trust my daughter's instincts, and I know that a path is not always linear. And she comes from a strong family tradition of alternate paths. It took me nine years to get my BA and I ended up with a successful and creative career. Her father didn't start community college until he was 24. By the time he died, he was the special adviser to a head of state.
Annie is a thoughtful, smart, beautiful girl who knows herself. I'm not worried about her future. She has a job, and she's pursuing her dream of becoming a professional actor. When she wants to, if she wants to finish school, she'll do it. When she's ready for a formal education, she'll find her way. She has to learn what she wants and needs in life, and she has to work for it herself. I will support her in whatever endeavor she chooses -- but the impetus must come from her, not from me.
Parental pride is far more complex than a bumper sticker bragging, "My child is an honor student at Blah Blah High School." My daughter is a high-school dropout, and this mother couldn't be prouder.
Ericka Lutz teaches writing at the University of California, Berkeley, and is the author of On the Go with Baby and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting. Read Ericka's blog, and about her new one-woman show, A Widow's To-Do List, on Red Room.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Are Your Friends Really Having More Sex Than You Are?
Most couples I counsel have infrequent sexual intimacy. This is usually a problem for at least one of the partners. Generally, I find that the higher the sexual frequency, the happier the marriage. Orgasms produce a release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone that makes a couple feel closer and more connected. I encourage a lot of sex in couples. So enjoy! I thought that you would find the following article interesting.
Are Your Friends Really Having More Sex Than You Are?
by Honey Berk (Subscribe to Honey Berk's posts) May 21st 2010 3:00PM
Categories: In The News, Sex
PrintEmailMore
Text Size:
Think the bed is always springier on the other side? It may not be true. Credit: Getty Images
There's always that one couple at the dinner party that can't keep their hands off of each other, pawing, smooching, calling each other "sweetie" and "baby," while the other wives and husbands try to keep from ogling and turn their attention to the latest neighborhood gossip.
We roll our eyes and snicker, but, really, we envy the love birds. Admit it, you do, too.
And, come on, wouldn't you just love to know how much sex your married friends are really having?
Well, now we have some insight, thanks to an Village survey of 2,000 American housewives between the ages of 18 and 49. So, try throwing out these stats at your next adult gathering: 23 percent of women reported having sex one to three times a month, while a close 21 percent say they have sex more than 10 times monthly.
Don't fret if your numbers lag a bit, just be happy you're not one of the 9 percent who reported not having sex at all in the past year.
Frequency, however, doesn't seem to be the only determining factor when it comes to satisfaction, since 77 percent of women surveyed reported they were happy with their sex lives, and 48 percent rate their husband as the best sex partner of their life. All great news.
But here's the bad news: 63 percent of women would rather be sleeping, watching a movie or reading than having sex. Maybe it's a matter of that same old, same old: An overwhelming 81 percent of married women rate their sex life as predictable.
Sure, once you discover what rocks your partner's world, it's safe to stick to what you know -- and, on this note, 70 percent of women said they know precisely where their lovemaking will take place -- especially among moms with two or more kids.
More than 50 percent also can predict the nitty gritty details -- including time of day, positions and length of time it takes to do the deed. One in five women can even pinpoint which day of the week sex will take place.
But, on the flip side, 19 percent of women are still looking for ways to mix it up in the bedroom. And more than half of the women surveyed seem to be doing just that, reporting they've used products to enhance sex with their spouse, including lubricant (41 percent), a vibrator (25 percent) or adult toys (17 percent). So, if your night table is strictly off limits to the kids, you're not alone.
Oh, and here's one last question we know you'd love to find out the answer to: Is it normal to bring George Clooney, Johnny Depp or your kid's soccer coach into bed with you? Six in 10 married women have fantasized about having sex with someone other than their husband.
Need more answers? Try the Kinsey Confidential website for questions you wouldn't ask your mother.
Related: Oral Sex is Not Really Sex; Just Ask Your Kids
Comments (111)
Are Your Friends Really Having More Sex Than You Are?
by Honey Berk (Subscribe to Honey Berk's posts) May 21st 2010 3:00PM
Categories: In The News, Sex
PrintEmailMore
Text Size:
Think the bed is always springier on the other side? It may not be true. Credit: Getty Images
There's always that one couple at the dinner party that can't keep their hands off of each other, pawing, smooching, calling each other "sweetie" and "baby," while the other wives and husbands try to keep from ogling and turn their attention to the latest neighborhood gossip.
We roll our eyes and snicker, but, really, we envy the love birds. Admit it, you do, too.
And, come on, wouldn't you just love to know how much sex your married friends are really having?
Well, now we have some insight, thanks to an Village survey of 2,000 American housewives between the ages of 18 and 49. So, try throwing out these stats at your next adult gathering: 23 percent of women reported having sex one to three times a month, while a close 21 percent say they have sex more than 10 times monthly.
Don't fret if your numbers lag a bit, just be happy you're not one of the 9 percent who reported not having sex at all in the past year.
Frequency, however, doesn't seem to be the only determining factor when it comes to satisfaction, since 77 percent of women surveyed reported they were happy with their sex lives, and 48 percent rate their husband as the best sex partner of their life. All great news.
But here's the bad news: 63 percent of women would rather be sleeping, watching a movie or reading than having sex. Maybe it's a matter of that same old, same old: An overwhelming 81 percent of married women rate their sex life as predictable.
Sure, once you discover what rocks your partner's world, it's safe to stick to what you know -- and, on this note, 70 percent of women said they know precisely where their lovemaking will take place -- especially among moms with two or more kids.
More than 50 percent also can predict the nitty gritty details -- including time of day, positions and length of time it takes to do the deed. One in five women can even pinpoint which day of the week sex will take place.
But, on the flip side, 19 percent of women are still looking for ways to mix it up in the bedroom. And more than half of the women surveyed seem to be doing just that, reporting they've used products to enhance sex with their spouse, including lubricant (41 percent), a vibrator (25 percent) or adult toys (17 percent). So, if your night table is strictly off limits to the kids, you're not alone.
Oh, and here's one last question we know you'd love to find out the answer to: Is it normal to bring George Clooney, Johnny Depp or your kid's soccer coach into bed with you? Six in 10 married women have fantasized about having sex with someone other than their husband.
Need more answers? Try the Kinsey Confidential website for questions you wouldn't ask your mother.
Related: Oral Sex is Not Really Sex; Just Ask Your Kids
Comments (111)
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Money Can't Buy You Happiness But A Good Marriage Might.
Hi,
Many couples that I see in therapy, complain that one of the partners, usually the husband, is working long hours at the office. One of the partners, usually the wife, is complaining that she is lonely, and feeling very disconnected. When she wants to go in to therapy with her husband, many times he can not even available to make the appointments because he is traveling on business or gets home too late. Neither partner evaluates whether the additional income is worth the toll it takes on their marriage. Why not read the summary of this article by smartmarriage.com that was written in the New York Times this week. If we could only put as much effort into our marriage as we do into our careers, we would be a much happier society. If you want to read the whole article, it is paste the website on the bottom.
Keep working on your marriage. The rewards will be there.
Regards,
Beverly
This was summarized by SmartMarriage.Com.
Op-Ed Columnist
THE SANDRA BULLOCK TRADE
By DAVID BROOKS
The New York Times
March 29, 2010
> Marital happiness is far more important than anything else in determining
> personal well-being. If you have a successful marriage, it doesn¹t matter how
> many professional setbacks you endure, you will be reasonably happy. If you
> have an unsuccessful marriage, it doesn¹t matter how many career triumphs you
> record, you will remain significantly unfulfilled.
>
> This isn¹t just sermonizing. This is the age of research, so there¹s data to
> back this up. Over the past few decades, teams of researchers have been
> studying happiness. Their work, which seemed flimsy at first, has developed an
> impressive rigor, and one of the key findings is that, just as the old sages
> predicted, worldly success has shallow roots while interpersonal bonds
> permeate through and through. . . .
> If the relationship between money and well-being is complicated, the
> correspondence between personal relationships and happiness is not. The daily
> activities most associated with happiness are sex, socializing after work and
> having dinner with others. The daily activity most injurious to happiness is
> commuting. According to one study, joining a group that meets even just once a
> month produces the same happiness gain as doubling your income. According to
> another, being married produces a psychic gain equivalent to more than
> $100,000 a year. . . .
> . . . . In short, modern societies have developed vast institutions oriented
> around the things that are easy to count, not around the things that matter
> most. They have an affinity for material concerns and a primordial fear of
> moral and social ones.
For the full editorial: http://tinyurl.com/yktabn9
Many couples that I see in therapy, complain that one of the partners, usually the husband, is working long hours at the office. One of the partners, usually the wife, is complaining that she is lonely, and feeling very disconnected. When she wants to go in to therapy with her husband, many times he can not even available to make the appointments because he is traveling on business or gets home too late. Neither partner evaluates whether the additional income is worth the toll it takes on their marriage. Why not read the summary of this article by smartmarriage.com that was written in the New York Times this week. If we could only put as much effort into our marriage as we do into our careers, we would be a much happier society. If you want to read the whole article, it is paste the website on the bottom.
Keep working on your marriage. The rewards will be there.
Regards,
Beverly
This was summarized by SmartMarriage.Com.
Op-Ed Columnist
THE SANDRA BULLOCK TRADE
By DAVID BROOKS
The New York Times
March 29, 2010
> Marital happiness is far more important than anything else in determining
> personal well-being. If you have a successful marriage, it doesn¹t matter how
> many professional setbacks you endure, you will be reasonably happy. If you
> have an unsuccessful marriage, it doesn¹t matter how many career triumphs you
> record, you will remain significantly unfulfilled.
>
> This isn¹t just sermonizing. This is the age of research, so there¹s data to
> back this up. Over the past few decades, teams of researchers have been
> studying happiness. Their work, which seemed flimsy at first, has developed an
> impressive rigor, and one of the key findings is that, just as the old sages
> predicted, worldly success has shallow roots while interpersonal bonds
> permeate through and through. . . .
> If the relationship between money and well-being is complicated, the
> correspondence between personal relationships and happiness is not. The daily
> activities most associated with happiness are sex, socializing after work and
> having dinner with others. The daily activity most injurious to happiness is
> commuting. According to one study, joining a group that meets even just once a
> month produces the same happiness gain as doubling your income. According to
> another, being married produces a psychic gain equivalent to more than
> $100,000 a year. . . .
> . . . . In short, modern societies have developed vast institutions oriented
> around the things that are easy to count, not around the things that matter
> most. They have an affinity for material concerns and a primordial fear of
> moral and social ones.
For the full editorial: http://tinyurl.com/yktabn9
Saturday, March 27, 2010
What Makes Happy Couples?
Since I have been specializing in Couple Counseling, my husband of 30 years has been very supportive of my work. He often reads articles and forwards them over to me. This is one of them that he found interesting. Thank you Larry.
Enjoy!
Beverly
WebMD Feature from "Redbook" MagazineBy Nicole Yorio
Peek into the lives of happy couples and find out how these four love moves will bring the two of you closer than ever.
What do couples who describe their marriages as spectacular do differently than those who describe their marriages as simply so-so? The differences are quite small, actually. "When we look at happy couples, we see that great marriages are not the result of hours of hard work," says relationship researcher Terri L. Orbuch, Ph.D., who followed 373 couples for over 22 years as part of a marriage study funded by the National Institutes of Health. "It's small changes in behavior and attitude that can transform your relationship." In her new book, 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, Orbuch shares the steps you can take to marital greatness.
Understand Each Other's Needs
"The main reason marriages break up is not conflict, communication problems, or sexual incompatibility," Orbuch says. "It's frustration — the day-to-day disappointment of the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts — that is most damaging." To diffuse that frustration, share your expectations with each other. Maybe you desire more affection and he craves more relaxed couple time. "And be sure to check in with your partner once a year, as added pressures or life changes can create new expectations," Orbuch says.
Show Him Some Love
Husbands whose wives give them affirmation — those words and gestures that show they are appreciated, respected, and loved — are twice as likely to describe themselves as happily married. And men may need affirmation more than women, Orbuch's research showed. "Women are constantly receiving flattery from friends and even strangers who say, 'Love your outfit!'" she says. "But men don't get that recognition." Can you imagine a passerby stopping your husband to compliment him on how well his tie matches his shirt? Not gonna happen — which is why men rely on that attention from their wives. Luckily, there's another payoff to your flattery: He's more likely to return those loving deeds back to you.
Take 10
A weekly date night is always recommended as a way to reconnect, but sometimes all you need is a few minutes. "I call this the 10-Minute Rule: Take 10 minutes a day to talk about anything — except for kids, responsibilities, or chores," Orbuch says. Throw out Mom's old advice about how an air of mystery keeps the flame alive: Orbuch's research showed that 98 percent of happy couples say they intimately understand their partners. And knowing your spouse intimately isn't always about engaging in heavy conversations: Anything that helps you learn something new will bring you closer, Orbuch says. You can bond over why you think your dog is the smartest one on your block or which superpower you'd want most. You'll get to know each other's inner world and strengthen your bond of happiness.
Enjoy!
Beverly
WebMD Feature from "Redbook" MagazineBy Nicole Yorio
Peek into the lives of happy couples and find out how these four love moves will bring the two of you closer than ever.
What do couples who describe their marriages as spectacular do differently than those who describe their marriages as simply so-so? The differences are quite small, actually. "When we look at happy couples, we see that great marriages are not the result of hours of hard work," says relationship researcher Terri L. Orbuch, Ph.D., who followed 373 couples for over 22 years as part of a marriage study funded by the National Institutes of Health. "It's small changes in behavior and attitude that can transform your relationship." In her new book, 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great, Orbuch shares the steps you can take to marital greatness.
Understand Each Other's Needs
"The main reason marriages break up is not conflict, communication problems, or sexual incompatibility," Orbuch says. "It's frustration — the day-to-day disappointment of the gap between what you expect and how your partner acts — that is most damaging." To diffuse that frustration, share your expectations with each other. Maybe you desire more affection and he craves more relaxed couple time. "And be sure to check in with your partner once a year, as added pressures or life changes can create new expectations," Orbuch says.
Show Him Some Love
Husbands whose wives give them affirmation — those words and gestures that show they are appreciated, respected, and loved — are twice as likely to describe themselves as happily married. And men may need affirmation more than women, Orbuch's research showed. "Women are constantly receiving flattery from friends and even strangers who say, 'Love your outfit!'" she says. "But men don't get that recognition." Can you imagine a passerby stopping your husband to compliment him on how well his tie matches his shirt? Not gonna happen — which is why men rely on that attention from their wives. Luckily, there's another payoff to your flattery: He's more likely to return those loving deeds back to you.
Take 10
A weekly date night is always recommended as a way to reconnect, but sometimes all you need is a few minutes. "I call this the 10-Minute Rule: Take 10 minutes a day to talk about anything — except for kids, responsibilities, or chores," Orbuch says. Throw out Mom's old advice about how an air of mystery keeps the flame alive: Orbuch's research showed that 98 percent of happy couples say they intimately understand their partners. And knowing your spouse intimately isn't always about engaging in heavy conversations: Anything that helps you learn something new will bring you closer, Orbuch says. You can bond over why you think your dog is the smartest one on your block or which superpower you'd want most. You'll get to know each other's inner world and strengthen your bond of happiness.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Resolving Conflicts
As a couples therapist in New Jersey, and a partner in a marriage for almost 30 years, I can tell you that the single biggest problem in resolving a conflict is the inability for the couples to focus on one issue. It could be as simple as asking your partner to take out the garbage. You know what I am talking about. Your partner doesn't pay attention to you. You ask again. He still doesn't respond. You get angry and accuse him of never listening to you. He says that you are always nagging. You say that he never does anything that you ask him to do. He reminds you that he went shopping last week. You say that he is lazy. Well you can figure out what happens after that. Asking him to take out the garbage can lead into arguing about every thing and anything, including that he hates it when your mother comes over. World War 3 has just begun. And actually, the garbage still hasn't been taken out.
A better approach is to just focus in on the one problem at hand. Repeat the problem, "Can you please take out the garbage?" He doesn't respond. Again you ask, "Can you please take out the garbage?" He says, "Not right now." You ask "When?" He says, "After I finish watching the game." You make some agreement and try to resolve it. The point that I am making is, try to keep each discussion focused on one issue and one issue alone. The more issues you bring up, the least likely the one issue that is important to you will be addressed. Try not to blame, or raise your voice.
If you focus on only 1 issue and are determine to stick to that one issue, you will reduce 75% of your arguments between you and your spouse. Try it and let me know what happens.
Regards,
Beverly
A better approach is to just focus in on the one problem at hand. Repeat the problem, "Can you please take out the garbage?" He doesn't respond. Again you ask, "Can you please take out the garbage?" He says, "Not right now." You ask "When?" He says, "After I finish watching the game." You make some agreement and try to resolve it. The point that I am making is, try to keep each discussion focused on one issue and one issue alone. The more issues you bring up, the least likely the one issue that is important to you will be addressed. Try not to blame, or raise your voice.
If you focus on only 1 issue and are determine to stick to that one issue, you will reduce 75% of your arguments between you and your spouse. Try it and let me know what happens.
Regards,
Beverly
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