Could Dropping Out of High School be the Best Thing?

Although, I primarily counsel couples, parenting issues often come up with disagreements about their children and different parenting styles. There is a huge emphasis in many communities about getting children into the best schools from nursery schools, up till college and graduate schools. Here is one parent's approach to allowing her daughter to drop out of High School and is actually very supportive about it. Although this wouldn't work for all children, what would you do if this was your daughter?




It's graduation season and the irony, in my household, abounds.

You see, I teach graduate students at one of the top universities in the country, the same university where my husband was a professor as well. I've authored five parenting books, and I write a column for a parenting magazine. I'm often quoted as a "parenting expert." This is a home where bookshelves line the walls, where we eat dinner together every night, where we run to the dictionary for definitions of words we don't know.

My daughter Annie grew up in a hotbed of education. But high school didn't work for her, so I encouraged her to drop out. I'm proud of her for making the choice and I'm proud of myself for supporting it.

As an educator and this so-called "parenting expert," I understand the ramifications of her actions, and I believe she does, too -- as much as any 17-year-old can. Without a diploma, she can't go to a four-year university. Without a college degree, many doors will be closed to her. Sure, she could go to a community college -- she tried that last semester -- though it didn't work for her, either.

Yet.

If I was trying to justify my feelings and her actions, I could list hundreds of high-school dropouts who've become wild successes: Billionaire Richard Branson, movie star Uma Thurman, labor leader Cesar Chavez , scientist Albert Einstein.

But actually I don't really care about that. I care about my daughter's happiness right now. Right now, she works part time in a bookstore, sleeps late, hangs out with her friends, studies acting at a top theater conservatory and dreams about being a movie star. Right now she recovers from her father's sudden death 17 months ago.

Annie passed the California high-school proficiency test at the end of her sophomore year, six months after her father's death. With that, she was done.

Grief and shock were only part of her decision not to go back. She'd struggled during her two years of high school. She'd coped with mononucleosis, attention deficit disorder, dysgraphia, depression, strep throat (twice), a severely sprained ankle, pneumonia and countless colds. She tried hard, and she tried not trying. The teachers had accommodated as much as they could. I'd sat with her many nights as she wept over her homework, struggling to complete work she just didn't see the point in doing.

"School wasn't working out for me," she says. "I believe you're supposed to learn things in school, and I realized that the next two years would be a waste for me to sit through."

I had no argument. High school was not a good fit for her. She was right.

Parenting a teenager is all about trust. I can't force Annie to go to school, though I tried. I can't force her to want to be in school, and unless she wants to be there, she won't go. I trust my daughter's instincts, and I know that a path is not always linear. And she comes from a strong family tradition of alternate paths. It took me nine years to get my BA and I ended up with a successful and creative career. Her father didn't start community college until he was 24. By the time he died, he was the special adviser to a head of state.

Annie is a thoughtful, smart, beautiful girl who knows herself. I'm not worried about her future. She has a job, and she's pursuing her dream of becoming a professional actor. When she wants to, if she wants to finish school, she'll do it. When she's ready for a formal education, she'll find her way. She has to learn what she wants and needs in life, and she has to work for it herself. I will support her in whatever endeavor she chooses -- but the impetus must come from her, not from me.

Parental pride is far more complex than a bumper sticker bragging, "My child is an honor student at Blah Blah High School." My daughter is a high-school dropout, and this mother couldn't be prouder.

Ericka Lutz teaches writing at the University of California, Berkeley, and is the author of On the Go with Baby and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting. Read Ericka's blog, and about her new one-woman show, A Widow's To-Do List, on Red Room.

Are Your Friends Really Having More Sex Than You Are?

Most couples I counsel have infrequent sexual intimacy. This is usually a problem for at least one of the partners. Generally, I find that the higher the sexual frequency, the happier the marriage. Orgasms produce a release of oxytocin, the bonding hormone that makes a couple feel closer and more connected. I encourage a lot of sex in couples. So enjoy! I thought that you would find the following article interesting.


Are Your Friends Really Having More Sex Than You Are?
by Honey Berk (Subscribe to Honey Berk's posts) May 21st 2010 3:00PM

Categories: In The News, Sex

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Think the bed is always springier on the other side? It may not be true. Credit: Getty Images
There's always that one couple at the dinner party that can't keep their hands off of each other, pawing, smooching, calling each other "sweetie" and "baby," while the other wives and husbands try to keep from ogling and turn their attention to the latest neighborhood gossip.

We roll our eyes and snicker, but, really, we envy the love birds. Admit it, you do, too.

And, come on, wouldn't you just love to know how much sex your married friends are really having?

Well, now we have some insight, thanks to an Village survey of 2,000 American housewives between the ages of 18 and 49. So, try throwing out these stats at your next adult gathering: 23 percent of women reported having sex one to three times a month, while a close 21 percent say they have sex more than 10 times monthly.

Don't fret if your numbers lag a bit, just be happy you're not one of the 9 percent who reported not having sex at all in the past year.

Frequency, however, doesn't seem to be the only determining factor when it comes to satisfaction, since 77 percent of women surveyed reported they were happy with their sex lives, and 48 percent rate their husband as the best sex partner of their life. All great news.

But here's the bad news: 63 percent of women would rather be sleeping, watching a movie or reading than having sex. Maybe it's a matter of that same old, same old: An overwhelming 81 percent of married women rate their sex life as predictable.

Sure, once you discover what rocks your partner's world, it's safe to stick to what you know -- and, on this note, 70 percent of women said they know precisely where their lovemaking will take place -- especially among moms with two or more kids.

More than 50 percent also can predict the nitty gritty details -- including time of day, positions and length of time it takes to do the deed. One in five women can even pinpoint which day of the week sex will take place.

But, on the flip side, 19 percent of women are still looking for ways to mix it up in the bedroom. And more than half of the women surveyed seem to be doing just that, reporting they've used products to enhance sex with their spouse, including lubricant (41 percent), a vibrator (25 percent) or adult toys (17 percent). So, if your night table is strictly off limits to the kids, you're not alone.

Oh, and here's one last question we know you'd love to find out the answer to: Is it normal to bring George Clooney, Johnny Depp or your kid's soccer coach into bed with you? Six in 10 married women have fantasized about having sex with someone other than their husband.

Need more answers? Try the Kinsey Confidential website for questions you wouldn't ask your mother.

Related: Oral Sex is Not Really Sex; Just Ask Your Kids

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