In our complex world of marriage, we hear a lot about infidelity. In my practice of mostly couples, the presenting problem most often is betrayal of one spouse. It is a heartbreaking problem from both sides. The hurt partner and the affair partner. This article that appeared in the December 12th, New York Times, discusses this topic from both points of view. It is worth reading and sharing. Hopefully, it might give someone pause to think before making that decision.
A Roomful of Yearning and Regret
Modern Love
The New York Times
By WENDY PLUMP
December 12, 2010
http://tinyurl.com/2w5usll
. . . picturing yourself in the therapist’s office with your betrayed husband after you’ve been found out (and you will be found out). You will hear yourself saying you cheated because your needs weren’t being met. The spark was gone. You were bored in your marriage. Your lover understands you better. One or another version of this excuse will cross your lips like some dark, knee-jerk Hallmark-card sentiment.
I’m not saying these feelings aren’t legitimate, just that they don’t legitimize what you’re doing. . . .
Beverly Zagofsky, MS, LPC
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Facebook and Marriage
Facebook has become a popular way of reconnecting to people whom we haven't seen or heard from in many years. It is a way of staying in touch with family and friends and sharing photos and life experiences to hundreds of people with a single click. In that sense, Facebook can be fun and an efficient means of communication.
However, in my work with many couples over the years, Facebook can also be used as a distraction from the focus of marriage This lack of attention to the relationship helps break down the intimacy necessary to insure and maintain a strong and bonded couplehood.
I have heard stories from partners who feel isolated in their own home when their addicted partner is spending several hours daily chatting and keeping up with their facebook friends. In many cases they are celebrating and wishing their "friends" Birthday Greetings, and forgetting their spouses birthday or their own Anniversary.
This can cause resentment, loneliness and disconnection.
Another negative tendency for some Facebook users, is to keep their Facebook time separate and secret from their partner. When their partner enters the room and the addicted partner is on Facebook, the addicted partner will turn off the screen. This only makes the other partner feel distrust that there are secrets being kept. Trust is the most important element in keeping Marriages together. Both partners must feel safe to say how they feel and be excepted and loved by the other partner. Keeping an open and transparent policy will allow both partners to feel more loved. In order to do this I suggest the following:
1. Share all Facebook, and email passwords with your partners.
2. Allow your partner open access to all phone text messages.
3. Limit Facebook and computer email to 1 hour a day.
4. Make sure that you spend at least 15 to 30 minutes a day catching up in a quiet place, free from distraction while showing interest while you are talking. Ask frequent questions.
More will follow on this very complex subject. Have a good night.
Regards,
Beverly Zagofsky, LPC
However, in my work with many couples over the years, Facebook can also be used as a distraction from the focus of marriage This lack of attention to the relationship helps break down the intimacy necessary to insure and maintain a strong and bonded couplehood.
I have heard stories from partners who feel isolated in their own home when their addicted partner is spending several hours daily chatting and keeping up with their facebook friends. In many cases they are celebrating and wishing their "friends" Birthday Greetings, and forgetting their spouses birthday or their own Anniversary.
This can cause resentment, loneliness and disconnection.
Another negative tendency for some Facebook users, is to keep their Facebook time separate and secret from their partner. When their partner enters the room and the addicted partner is on Facebook, the addicted partner will turn off the screen. This only makes the other partner feel distrust that there are secrets being kept. Trust is the most important element in keeping Marriages together. Both partners must feel safe to say how they feel and be excepted and loved by the other partner. Keeping an open and transparent policy will allow both partners to feel more loved. In order to do this I suggest the following:
1. Share all Facebook, and email passwords with your partners.
2. Allow your partner open access to all phone text messages.
3. Limit Facebook and computer email to 1 hour a day.
4. Make sure that you spend at least 15 to 30 minutes a day catching up in a quiet place, free from distraction while showing interest while you are talking. Ask frequent questions.
More will follow on this very complex subject. Have a good night.
Regards,
Beverly Zagofsky, LPC
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