Resolving Conflicts

As a couples therapist in New Jersey, and a partner in a marriage for almost 30 years, I can tell you that the single biggest problem in resolving a conflict is the inability for the couples to focus on one issue. It could be as simple as asking your partner to take out the garbage. You know what I am talking about. Your partner doesn't pay attention to you. You ask again. He still doesn't respond. You get angry and accuse him of never listening to you. He says that you are always nagging. You say that he never does anything that you ask him to do. He reminds you that he went shopping last week. You say that he is lazy. Well you can figure out what happens after that. Asking him to take out the garbage can lead into arguing about every thing and anything, including that he hates it when your mother comes over. World War 3 has just begun. And actually, the garbage still hasn't been taken out.

A better approach is to just focus in on the one problem at hand. Repeat the problem, "Can you please take out the garbage?" He doesn't respond. Again you ask, "Can you please take out the garbage?" He says, "Not right now." You ask "When?" He says, "After I finish watching the game." You make some agreement and try to resolve it. The point that I am making is, try to keep each discussion focused on one issue and one issue alone. The more issues you bring up, the least likely the one issue that is important to you will be addressed. Try not to blame, or raise your voice.

If you focus on only 1 issue and are determine to stick to that one issue, you will reduce 75% of your arguments between you and your spouse. Try it and let me know what happens.

Regards,
Beverly