Resolving Conflicts

As a couples therapist in New Jersey, and a partner in a marriage for almost 30 years, I can tell you that the single biggest problem in resolving a conflict is the inability for the couples to focus on one issue. It could be as simple as asking your partner to take out the garbage. You know what I am talking about. Your partner doesn't pay attention to you. You ask again. He still doesn't respond. You get angry and accuse him of never listening to you. He says that you are always nagging. You say that he never does anything that you ask him to do. He reminds you that he went shopping last week. You say that he is lazy. Well you can figure out what happens after that. Asking him to take out the garbage can lead into arguing about every thing and anything, including that he hates it when your mother comes over. World War 3 has just begun. And actually, the garbage still hasn't been taken out.

A better approach is to just focus in on the one problem at hand. Repeat the problem, "Can you please take out the garbage?" He doesn't respond. Again you ask, "Can you please take out the garbage?" He says, "Not right now." You ask "When?" He says, "After I finish watching the game." You make some agreement and try to resolve it. The point that I am making is, try to keep each discussion focused on one issue and one issue alone. The more issues you bring up, the least likely the one issue that is important to you will be addressed. Try not to blame, or raise your voice.

If you focus on only 1 issue and are determine to stick to that one issue, you will reduce 75% of your arguments between you and your spouse. Try it and let me know what happens.

Regards,
Beverly

The Five Demons of Couples Communication

Written by Pete from the Couples Institute. Everyone backslides under stress and resorts to negative forms of communication. Identifying and understanding this process can only help us to improve our relationships. Read on.



The Five Demons of Couples Communication
As couples therapists, my wife, Ellyn and I hear every kind of ineffective communication. Under stress, people do a lot of unpleasant or nasty things to their partner. Most ineffective reactions can be classified into one of five categories. Although we use all of them once in a while, most of us have favorites we use when feeling threatened, fearful, inadequate or some other kind of emotional pain.

These reactions are basically ineffective coping mechanisms developed to reduce emotional pain. But their ineffectiveness doesn’t stop us from reflexing to them when the stress gets high enough.

Being able to recognizing the five major categories can help to recognize your habitual patterns and start to break them.

Five Categories of Ineffective Communication

Withdrawal – Stonewalling, becoming stoic, giving minimal responses, or exiting in the middle of a heated discussion.

Blaming – Accusing, finger pointing, yelling, trying to dominate the discussion.

Resentful compliance – Over-accommodating to your partner in order to avoid tension or potentially nasty discussions.

Whining – Complaining, competing for the victim position, being very indirect about what you want.

Confusion – Inability to think clearly, going blank.

To create a flourishing relationship, we have to resist using these ineffective coping reactions.


Try these and tell me how it works for you.

Beverly