Good Evening,
Many of the couples that I work with in marriage therapy in New Jersey, complain about low sexual libido. Many are so stressed and over scheduled that they just don't make sex a priority in their week. I often suggest that they schedule sex in their week, just as they would schedule any other important appointment. This insures the bonding and closeness that sexual intimacy brings to their relationship. Just finding the time to think about Sex and plan for Sex will make Sex that much more exciting. Read on about how the brain is the most important sexual organ, and is probably under utilized. Have fun. It is snowing outside. This is a good time to snuggle up in bed!
Regards,
Beverly
Q. I've recently heard that the brain is the most important sexual organ. What does that mean?
A. You heard right. But, the brain-body response where sex and female sexual desire are concerned is more complicated than just thinking of the brain as a "sexual organ."
First of all, as you know, the brain is the center of all our emotions and thoughts. It also is the operating center for a complex network of neurotransmitters and neuroendocrine systems—nerves, hormones and other chemicals that are responsible for, among other things, sexual desire and response. For example, the brain transmits signals that start a cascade of reactions leading to genital arousal.
When it comes to women and sex, how we feel about ourselves, our lives, our partners and our relationships typically has more to do with whether we feel like having sex. Unlike men, in whom thinking about sex translates to erection, arousal in some women (vaginal wetness, increased blood flow to the vagina) may start after lovemaking begins. In other words, a woman might begin lovemaking relatively uninterested, doing it because she wants to please her partner or because it makes her feel good about herself. As things progress and she focuses on the stimulation and feelings, she becomes aroused and her sex drive, or libido, spikes. In some women, however, arousal may start with just thinking about sex.
Sexual response for women is a complicated mind-body reaction, which is why it's so hard for many women to "get in the mood" when they're distracted, whether by long to-do lists, exhaustion from being up all night with children or issues at work. It also explains why it's difficult for a woman to feel sexual toward her partner if they are fighting or she feels unloved or unappreciated. So, yes, our brains could be our most important sexual organs—when you realize that this is where so much of the sexual response begins.
Taken from Sex and a Healthier you website.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Sometimes Relationship Issues are all about Sex
In my work with couples, lack of sexual intimacy is high on the radar scale. Couples seek therapy for a variety of issues, such as lack of communication, lack of listening, fighting, family dysfunction, affairs, and money issues. However, when asked how their sex life is, almost all partners feel this arena needs to be improved. Which comes first: Lack of emotional intimacy or lack of sexual intimacy? Read on and please post your opinions. There is help available if you ask for it.
Have a good weekend,
Beverly
On Faith and Love: The Professional
Relationship problems? Sometimes it's all about the sex.
The Washington Post
Ellen McCarthy
Dec 6, 2009
People walk into Barry McCarthy's office, often, after a stint in couples therapy. They've made some good progress, perhaps, but there is one looming issue they can't seem to resolve: sex.
They come and sit before the slight, bespectacled man in his 60s and tell him it's been two years, or four, or 10. And never mind sex, they're not getting so much as a friendly elbow-nudge with any regularity these days.
The paradox about sex, the one that's put so much traffic in the path of his Chevy Chase office, is that when it works, it's not such a big deal, he says. When it doesn't, "it plays an inordinately powerful negative role in people's lives. . . . It truly does destabilize marriages."
McCarthy, a Chicago-born psychologist, came to Washington in the late 1960s when the study of sex -- led by Masters and Johnson - was on the rise. He began teaching a course on human sexuality at American University while developing his psychotherapy practice, which was then composed mainly of individual patients. Over the next three decades, McCarthy's focus shifted more toward couples and individuals with sex issues. He wrote 11 books -- many of them with his wife, Emily -- with titles including "Rekindling Desire," "Coping With Erectile Dysfunction" and "Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style."
What he first tells that prototypical couple, often referred by another therapist, is that there's no need to be embarrassed. One in five couples, he says, have a sexless marriage (having sex 10 or fewer times per year) and that if they want to get out of this painful rut, they'll have to work together. "You're either going to conquer this problem as a team or you're going to lose as a team," he says.
Couples are often locked in a power struggle when they come to see McCarthy, going round after round in the same fight. "The man says 'Why don't we have more sex?' And the woman says 'Why don't we have more intimacy?' " he explains.
And while society has taught people how to talk about sex in terms of stereotypes and dirty jokes, it hasn't offered much guidance, McCarthy says, in talking about the aspects that matter most in a relationship: "What sexual desire and initiation means to them and to each other as a couple."
He sees both parties individually to suss out all the issues on the table -- sometimes it's affairs or a history of sexual trauma or erectile dysfunction or porn addiction or infertility struggles. Most often, he says, the problem is much more mundane: "The sexual charge no longer is there."
"The great majority of couples start off on this sexual high. A lot of sex . . . and it's really fun. It's really validating, but it's not what allows people to be sexual in ongoing relationships," he says. McCarthy says many of the couples who come to him never made what he considers a "crucial transition into figuring out how to integrate intimacy and eroticism in an ongoing relationship . . . into dealing with jobs and kids and dogs and lousy traffic and ugly weather. Real life."
What gets lost in all that real life is desire. And that component, he says, "is truly the big deal -- feeling desired and desirable."
McCarthy often leads couples on a series of exercises designed to reestablish their comfort with touching each other, not just sexually, but in playful, affectionate ways. The idea, he says, is that "desire comes from the interaction -- physical and emotional interaction between the two of them . . . it's this combination of anticipation and touch."
The psychologist says it's still humbling, after 40 years, to see up close how complicated relationships are, and how confounding a role sex can play in people's lives.
But the positive bottom line he impresses on clients is that it might take time and some significant work, but "the majority of couples who are motivated can rebuild sexual desire."
Link to the article:
http://tinyurl.com/yh9yxlh
Have a good weekend,
Beverly
On Faith and Love: The Professional
Relationship problems? Sometimes it's all about the sex.
The Washington Post
Ellen McCarthy
Dec 6, 2009
People walk into Barry McCarthy's office, often, after a stint in couples therapy. They've made some good progress, perhaps, but there is one looming issue they can't seem to resolve: sex.
They come and sit before the slight, bespectacled man in his 60s and tell him it's been two years, or four, or 10. And never mind sex, they're not getting so much as a friendly elbow-nudge with any regularity these days.
The paradox about sex, the one that's put so much traffic in the path of his Chevy Chase office, is that when it works, it's not such a big deal, he says. When it doesn't, "it plays an inordinately powerful negative role in people's lives. . . . It truly does destabilize marriages."
McCarthy, a Chicago-born psychologist, came to Washington in the late 1960s when the study of sex -- led by Masters and Johnson - was on the rise. He began teaching a course on human sexuality at American University while developing his psychotherapy practice, which was then composed mainly of individual patients. Over the next three decades, McCarthy's focus shifted more toward couples and individuals with sex issues. He wrote 11 books -- many of them with his wife, Emily -- with titles including "Rekindling Desire," "Coping With Erectile Dysfunction" and "Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style."
What he first tells that prototypical couple, often referred by another therapist, is that there's no need to be embarrassed. One in five couples, he says, have a sexless marriage (having sex 10 or fewer times per year) and that if they want to get out of this painful rut, they'll have to work together. "You're either going to conquer this problem as a team or you're going to lose as a team," he says.
Couples are often locked in a power struggle when they come to see McCarthy, going round after round in the same fight. "The man says 'Why don't we have more sex?' And the woman says 'Why don't we have more intimacy?' " he explains.
And while society has taught people how to talk about sex in terms of stereotypes and dirty jokes, it hasn't offered much guidance, McCarthy says, in talking about the aspects that matter most in a relationship: "What sexual desire and initiation means to them and to each other as a couple."
He sees both parties individually to suss out all the issues on the table -- sometimes it's affairs or a history of sexual trauma or erectile dysfunction or porn addiction or infertility struggles. Most often, he says, the problem is much more mundane: "The sexual charge no longer is there."
"The great majority of couples start off on this sexual high. A lot of sex . . . and it's really fun. It's really validating, but it's not what allows people to be sexual in ongoing relationships," he says. McCarthy says many of the couples who come to him never made what he considers a "crucial transition into figuring out how to integrate intimacy and eroticism in an ongoing relationship . . . into dealing with jobs and kids and dogs and lousy traffic and ugly weather. Real life."
What gets lost in all that real life is desire. And that component, he says, "is truly the big deal -- feeling desired and desirable."
McCarthy often leads couples on a series of exercises designed to reestablish their comfort with touching each other, not just sexually, but in playful, affectionate ways. The idea, he says, is that "desire comes from the interaction -- physical and emotional interaction between the two of them . . . it's this combination of anticipation and touch."
The psychologist says it's still humbling, after 40 years, to see up close how complicated relationships are, and how confounding a role sex can play in people's lives.
But the positive bottom line he impresses on clients is that it might take time and some significant work, but "the majority of couples who are motivated can rebuild sexual desire."
Link to the article:
http://tinyurl.com/yh9yxlh
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The Five Demons of Couples Communication
Written by Pete from the Couples Institute. Everyone backslides under stress and resorts to negative forms of communication. Identifying and understanding this process can only help us to improve our relationships. Read on.
The Five Demons of Couples Communication
As couples therapists, my wife, Ellyn and I hear every kind of ineffective communication. Under stress, people do a lot of unpleasant or nasty things to their partner. Most ineffective reactions can be classified into one of five categories. Although we use all of them once in a while, most of us have favorites we use when feeling threatened, fearful, inadequate or some other kind of emotional pain.
These reactions are basically ineffective coping mechanisms developed to reduce emotional pain. But their ineffectiveness doesn’t stop us from reflexing to them when the stress gets high enough.
Being able to recognizing the five major categories can help to recognize your habitual patterns and start to break them.
Five Categories of Ineffective Communication
Withdrawal – Stonewalling, becoming stoic, giving minimal responses, or exiting in the middle of a heated discussion.
Blaming – Accusing, finger pointing, yelling, trying to dominate the discussion.
Resentful compliance – Over-accommodating to your partner in order to avoid tension or potentially nasty discussions.
Whining – Complaining, competing for the victim position, being very indirect about what you want.
Confusion – Inability to think clearly, going blank.
To create a flourishing relationship, we have to resist using these ineffective coping reactions.
Try these and tell me how it works for you.
Beverly
The Five Demons of Couples Communication
As couples therapists, my wife, Ellyn and I hear every kind of ineffective communication. Under stress, people do a lot of unpleasant or nasty things to their partner. Most ineffective reactions can be classified into one of five categories. Although we use all of them once in a while, most of us have favorites we use when feeling threatened, fearful, inadequate or some other kind of emotional pain.
These reactions are basically ineffective coping mechanisms developed to reduce emotional pain. But their ineffectiveness doesn’t stop us from reflexing to them when the stress gets high enough.
Being able to recognizing the five major categories can help to recognize your habitual patterns and start to break them.
Five Categories of Ineffective Communication
Withdrawal – Stonewalling, becoming stoic, giving minimal responses, or exiting in the middle of a heated discussion.
Blaming – Accusing, finger pointing, yelling, trying to dominate the discussion.
Resentful compliance – Over-accommodating to your partner in order to avoid tension or potentially nasty discussions.
Whining – Complaining, competing for the victim position, being very indirect about what you want.
Confusion – Inability to think clearly, going blank.
To create a flourishing relationship, we have to resist using these ineffective coping reactions.
Try these and tell me how it works for you.
Beverly
Friday, December 4, 2009
Couples Computer Protocol
With the amount of unlimited access to the internet 24/7, and the amount of free time that is available to some people, it is not uncommon for some partners to get into trouble in Chat rooms, porno sites, face book and other meeting arenas. Although most couples can handle these sites without problems because of limited use, some are involving themselves in relationships other than with their spouses, because it is so easy. Even if they are not actually meeting these people face to face, there is the temptation to do so. It also allows the addicted partner to take away the time that he/she could be connecting to their spouse. For those couples where one partner has already strayed or want to prevent a partner from straying, you might read the Couples Computer Protocol that was forwarded to me by Chris Gersten from SmartMarriages.com. Please send me any comments.
Couples¹ Computer Protocol
The Computer Protocol (CP) is designed to create a commitment to complete
transparency in computer use to increase each partner¹s confidence in the
commitment to fidelity of his/her partner.
Here are a set of rules to help couples avoid the trauma that comes from
discovering hidden relationships and porn use on the computer.
· Share your password with your spouse
· For couples that own computers that require usernames/passwords, it
may be best to have a single account/username for the couple.
· Offer to install web-tracking software to build trust. This device
allows your partner to see every place you have visited on the net. This is
particularly important if trust is an issue in a relationship. If trust has
been violated, or one partner is prone to jealousy, then offering to install
web-tracking software can help restore trust and reduce jealousy.
· Do not create additional email accounts to hide communications from
your spouse.
· Make it clear to your spouse that he/she is welcome to look through
your computer emails.
· Never visit pornography sites.
· Never visit personals sites.
· This includes sites like Craigslist Adult Services and other sites
that are a cover for prostitution services.
· Do not visit open-ended chat-rooms. Only visit chat-rooms that are
issue-specific on issues that you need help with, such as software problems.
Most information can be found through bulletin or message boards or on sites
that do not allow interaction between individuals.
· Instant Messaging
· Make sure your spouse knows or is aware of everyone in your
³buddy/friend² list or knows that she has access to the list at any time.
· Do not engage in IM conversations of a private or provocative nature.
· Do not search for prior boyfriends/girlfriends online.
· Social Networking sites like Facebook, and MySpace are the
exceptions. Former partners may contact you regardless of whether you
initiate contact. In these situations it is always best to inform your
partner and ask for their input/recommendation. This two-way communication
and decision making process builds trust.
· Social Networking
· Facebook/MySpace/LinkedIn/ are all very popular and it is likely that
at least one person in a relationship will have an account. Rules to follow:
1. Make sure to set your relationship status to ³Married² to alert
others that you are taken and post a picture of yourself and your spouse.
2. Have a single account for a couple, e.g. JohnAndJane
Doe@facebook/myspace.
3. If each person wants their own account, make sure to share passwords.
4. Tell your partner when you¹ve added a friend of the opposite gender.
5. Do not carry on private conversations with friends of the opposite
gender via social networking sites.
· Place the family computer in an open place in your home. This reduces
the temptation to browse adult-themed sites and engage in provocative
conversations via computer. This is especially important when there are
children in the home. Children should not be allowed access to the Internet
unless they are in an area where parents can freely observe their activity.
· Designate specific times during the day when you should and should
not use the computer for personal use.
Couples¹ Computer Protocol
The Computer Protocol (CP) is designed to create a commitment to complete
transparency in computer use to increase each partner¹s confidence in the
commitment to fidelity of his/her partner.
Here are a set of rules to help couples avoid the trauma that comes from
discovering hidden relationships and porn use on the computer.
· Share your password with your spouse
· For couples that own computers that require usernames/passwords, it
may be best to have a single account/username for the couple.
· Offer to install web-tracking software to build trust. This device
allows your partner to see every place you have visited on the net. This is
particularly important if trust is an issue in a relationship. If trust has
been violated, or one partner is prone to jealousy, then offering to install
web-tracking software can help restore trust and reduce jealousy.
· Do not create additional email accounts to hide communications from
your spouse.
· Make it clear to your spouse that he/she is welcome to look through
your computer emails.
· Never visit pornography sites.
· Never visit personals sites.
· This includes sites like Craigslist Adult Services and other sites
that are a cover for prostitution services.
· Do not visit open-ended chat-rooms. Only visit chat-rooms that are
issue-specific on issues that you need help with, such as software problems.
Most information can be found through bulletin or message boards or on sites
that do not allow interaction between individuals.
· Instant Messaging
· Make sure your spouse knows or is aware of everyone in your
³buddy/friend² list or knows that she has access to the list at any time.
· Do not engage in IM conversations of a private or provocative nature.
· Do not search for prior boyfriends/girlfriends online.
· Social Networking sites like Facebook, and MySpace are the
exceptions. Former partners may contact you regardless of whether you
initiate contact. In these situations it is always best to inform your
partner and ask for their input/recommendation. This two-way communication
and decision making process builds trust.
· Social Networking
· Facebook/MySpace/LinkedIn/ are all very popular and it is likely that
at least one person in a relationship will have an account. Rules to follow:
1. Make sure to set your relationship status to ³Married² to alert
others that you are taken and post a picture of yourself and your spouse.
2. Have a single account for a couple, e.g. JohnAndJane
Doe@facebook/myspace.
3. If each person wants their own account, make sure to share passwords.
4. Tell your partner when you¹ve added a friend of the opposite gender.
5. Do not carry on private conversations with friends of the opposite
gender via social networking sites.
· Place the family computer in an open place in your home. This reduces
the temptation to browse adult-themed sites and engage in provocative
conversations via computer. This is especially important when there are
children in the home. Children should not be allowed access to the Internet
unless they are in an area where parents can freely observe their activity.
· Designate specific times during the day when you should and should
not use the computer for personal use.
Good Morning
Most couples feel under-appreciated by their partners. It is natural to assume our partner is not working as hard as we are and criticize more than we compliment. We take each other for granted despite the important things our partners do for us. When we are unappreciated, we want to do less for each other, not more. It is a good idea to start out every day by telling your partner one good adjective to describe why you love him or her. Give a kiss and a hug. It will kick start your morning and make your partner think of you all day in a positive light. It will work for both of you.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Although porn can add some positive excitement to a good marriage that needs a little spark, there could be some negative elements which would be detrimental to the couple. Read on and form your own opinion. Please feel free to let me know how you feel about this subject.
This is a handy-dandy summary of what porn does to a couple, family, village
from Pat Fagan at the Family Research Council. Another very helpful fact
sheet to have lying around in your waiting room. A few bullets:
> # Married men who are involved in pornography feel less satisfied with their conjugal relations and less emotionally attached to their wives. Wives notice and are upset by the difference.
> # Among couples affected by one spouse's addiction, two-thirds experience a loss of interest in sexual intercourse.
> # Both spouses perceive pornography viewing as tantamount to infidelity.
> # Pornography is addictive, and neuroscientists are beginning to map the biological substrate of this addiction.
> # Users tend to become desensitized to the type of pornography they use, become bored with it, and then seek more perverse forms of pornography.
This is a handy-dandy summary of what porn does to a couple, family, village
from Pat Fagan at the Family Research Council. Another very helpful fact
sheet to have lying around in your waiting room. A few bullets:
> # Married men who are involved in pornography feel less satisfied with their conjugal relations and less emotionally attached to their wives. Wives notice and are upset by the difference.
> # Among couples affected by one spouse's addiction, two-thirds experience a loss of interest in sexual intercourse.
> # Both spouses perceive pornography viewing as tantamount to infidelity.
> # Pornography is addictive, and neuroscientists are beginning to map the biological substrate of this addiction.
> # Users tend to become desensitized to the type of pornography they use, become bored with it, and then seek more perverse forms of pornography.
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