As a Marriage Counselor, I am in the business of saving marriages. I work very hard to keep marriages together. I sometimes feel like the cheerleader, holding on to any victory that the distressed couple feels in my office. I believe that if they only worked harder, become less reactive, gave up their affair partner or many other reasons, that they can keep their marriage together. Studies have shown that five years after an affair, if the marriage can survive, the couple is happier than they had ever been before. However, during the time of deciding whether they should stay or whether they should go, it is often the most excruciating period for both partners. If you or your partner is on the fence and can't decide what to do in your marriage, this article might help you. This may be the last resort that you have to try, in order to save your marriage. I suggest reading the book "Should I stay or go? How controlled Separation Can Save Your Marriage" by Lee Raffel. I hope that any couple who feels this much pain should first try couples counseling. If you leave with out understanding why you left your marriage, you may run the risk of repeating these same problems in your next relationship.
Good Luck and Call me if you need me.
Beverly
By ELIZABETH BERNSTEIN
The Wall Street Journal
August 9, 2011
After 35 years of marriage, Mark Earnhart came home one day and told his wife, Jeanine, that he wanted a separation. He said he was tired of the bickering and tension, the lack of communication, how they never did anything together anymore.
His wife sadly agreed that the marriage seemed broken. So Mr. Earnhart, a chiropractor, moved out of their home to a furnished apartment on the other side of San Juan Island, in Washington.
Three months later husband and wife were back together. They have been married now for 42 years.
It seems counterintuitive: How can a separation save a marriage? When a couple splits—even for a trial period—isn't that just a pit stop on the way to divorce?
Surprisingly, many marriage therapists recommend a separation, albeit as a measure of last resort. They say that if both spouses set specific parameters, the space and time to think that a trial separation provides just might be what is needed to save the relationship. Still, there are few, if any, statistics that show whether it works or how many couples try separating.
Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, a marriage and family therapist in Mount Kisco, N.Y., has helped about 40 couples arrange trial separations over the past 20 years and says that about half reconciled and remained married.
Ms. O'Neill recommends that a separation shouldn't just happen—after one partner storms out, say. The couple should decide who will move out and where that person will live, how the finances will be handled, the care-giving of the kids, what to tell friends and family, and—very importantly—how long the separation will last. She believes that six months is ideal, and most experts agree. It's long enough to set up a second household and gain perspective, but not long enough to seem permanent.
Share Sparingly: The Earnharts discussed their plan to split, and their reasons, with their family, shown on a recent visit. Therapists suggest sharing details only with those closest to you who must know.
If a couple has experienced infidelity, they should deal with that issue in therapy before planning a separation, says Ms. O'Neill.
Marriage therapists say that by the time most couples show up in therapy talking about divorce it's often too late to salvage the relationship. There's so much anger, hurt and mistrust that the partners can't work out their issues.
But what if the partners took a break before the hatred set in? It wouldn't have to be the formal separation that is often a legal precursor to divorce, but an informal break to give the spouses some space to breathe, think and calm down.
Often, the reality-check that marital separations provide—the prospect of unraveling finances, facing dating again, fully grasping the collateral damage done to the kids—is enough to make people resolve to work harder on the marriage.
"Sometimes having a dress rehearsal for divorce makes them realize they don't want to do it," says Richard Levak, a psychologist who works with couples in Del Mar, Calif.
Linda Lea Viken, a divorce attorney in Rapid City, S.D., and president of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, says it's important for each party to understand the other's motivation. She has seen cases in which one person isn't really interested in reconciling, but wants to use the separation to buy time to rearrange or dispose of assets.
Ms. Viken also warns couples that the arrangements made during a trial separation, such as who pays the bills and where the children live, may have a big impact on an eventual divorce, if there is one. It will be hard, for example, to convince a judge to award full custody of the children to one parent if in the separation period the couple had agreed to a 50-50 split. For this reason, she suggests that each spouse consult a divorce attorney.
Then there's the fraught issue of whether each party is allowed to see other people during the separation. Some therapists believe that dating is OK, as long as both parties are truly comfortable with the decision. Ms. Viken disagrees. "If one of the parties wants to date, this is not a trial separation, it's the end," she says.
Another tricky issue: What to tell family and friends? Experts say couples should decide together what the party line is, then tell only those people who really need to know. "Until a marriage is going to go down the path of divorce, you should keep as much to yourselves as you can, otherwise it may come back to haunt you if you stay together," Ms. O'Neill says.
The couple separated for three months then reunited.
The Earnharts, who are both 61 and live in Friday Harbor, Wash., decided to separate in 2003. They say they had gotten to the point where they barely spoke. He spent his spare time golfing, and she went shopping or to lunch with friends. They ate dinner in front of the TV without talking, gave each other the silent treatment for days on end, and rarely had sex.
By the time Mr. Earnhart decided to move out, the couple had read numerous self-help books, taken separate vacations and gone to see two marriage therapists. Nothing helped. Ms. Earnhart wrote down a list of things that irritated her about her husband. At the top: The way he chewed, monopolized a conversation and walked like a duck.
"We repelled each other," Mr. Earnhart says.
"I thought, 'Why not do what you want to do?' " adds his wife. "Life is too short and I don't like you anyway."
So he moved to a condo, yet continued to pay the couple's bills. She stayed in their house. They told their adult son and daughter why they were separating and were relieved when their kids said they understood.
And they talked regularly, at first on the phone. Then Mr. Earnhart started coming over to the house with a bottle of wine. They would sit outside, look at the water and discuss how to divide up their assets in a divorce. They talked about how they could communicate better and be less judgmental.
After awhile, they realized they missed their friendship. They talked about the memories they shared—how they'd bought a house and built a life together—and wondered what they were doing by throwing it all away. One night, they ended up in bed together.
"It was kind of like falling in love again," says Ms. Earnhart. "He would come over for some silly reason, and we would have a heck of a conversation and a really good time."
"When you are apart, you have time to reflect, first on all of the things that were upsetting in your life with each other," says her husband. "And then you realize that you've allowed things that maybe aren't really important to take on a life of their own."
After three months of living apart, Mr. Earnhart moved back in. Now, the couple tries to talk out problems as soon as they arise, often leaving each other polite, little notes about an issue, like the one that Ms. Earnhart recently left her husband, telling him she felt he had been rude and didn't want to stew on the issue. He left her a note, apologizing.
They also entertain friends and travel, taking road trips to California and Alaska. Mr. Earnhart cooks dinner each night, and the two often eat while watching—and discussing—whatever is on the Food Network. They have self-published a book about marriage, called "Marriage Works."
"You can get to the point where you feel that there's no way that you will ever fall in love with this person again, but you can," says Ms. Earnhart. "He still waddles like a duck, but now I love him for it."
Taking a Marriage Timeout
Some issues to consider before trying a separation:
• Get a marriage therapist. A trained professional can help mediate between the two parties.
• Consult an attorney specializing in family law. Find out how the terms of the separation could affect any eventual divorce. A consultation sometimes scares people into working harder on their marriage, once they face the reality of what divorced life will be like, says Linda Lea Viken, a divorce lawyer.
• Agree on logistics. Who will leave and where will that person go? Who will pay the bills? Who will take care of the kids and how much time will the other spouse be able to see them?
• Consider email your friend. Writing to each other, rather than meeting or talking on the phone, can be a way to defuse the tension.
• Put your agreement in writing. This doesn't require a lawyer. A therapist can do it. It protects one spouse from taking advantage of the other.
For the full article and photos: http://tinyurl.com/3jhx4wa
Contact me Marriage Therapy, Chester New Jersey
Regards,
Beverly Zagofsky
Monday, September 5, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Is It Cheating If it 's On line.?
Hi,
In my practice of couples, I meet so many of you that are devastated because one of you has reconnected with a long lost love on Face book or some other site. There are so many ways now to meet people on line, whether it is in a Chat room, porno site, or social site. It may start out innocently thinking that there is no harm in just saying hello. However, since both of you are probably feeling alienated from each other, this changes quickly. It is easy to just go into a locked room in their home and open the computer. it is so much harder to speak to your spouse and tell each other what you are feeling. It is surprising how many spouses see their partner locked in an office in their home and let them stay there hours without interruption surfing the web. Don't let this happen to you! If your spouse is spending too much time alone on the internet, knock on that door and ask questions. Find out what is going on. Start talking about your relationship. Don't let an affair begin. You don't have to be famous like Arnold Schwartzenegger, or Tiger Woods to have an affair. It could happen to anyone. Read this interesting article. Please let me know if I can help you.
Best Regards,
Beverly
By Tammy Nelson
Is it cheating if it is only online? Some experts say “yes.”
"Online emotional affairs are just affairs that have not become sexual yet..." said Peggy Vaughan, infidelity expert and author of The Monogamy Myth.
Emotional affairs often start on the internet and then develop into sexual relationships quickly. Vaughan says that her research shows that 56% of online affairs moved into real time contact within one week. Shirley Glass, author of Not Just Friends, found that 82% of people who cheated were friends with their lover first.
Click here to take a quick survey on Online Affairs: TAKE ONLINE AFFAIR SURVEY
Research shows that an online relationship may actually threaten your marriage or partnership. Internet relationships develop from screen to emotional or sexual contact. Although this can relieve loneliness and lend a sense of availability to a relationship, it may actually lead to a deeper sense of isolation.
Are you hiding an internet relationship from your partner? Don’t ignore the attraction or interest to someone you are emailing or chatting with. Talk to your partner and let them know you want to stay close and be bonded with them. Decide what kind of transparency is appropriate for both of you as a couple. Tell each other about your online relationships before they become affairs in cyber-time or real-time.
Experts say an affair begins the moment you lie or hide an internet relationship from your partner. Don’t wait until there is already an issue. Sit down with your partner and talk today.
For more info on the work of Peggy Vaughan go to www.dearpeggy.com or Dr. Tammy Nelson email tammy@drtammynelson.com or go to www.drtammynelson.com
In my practice of couples, I meet so many of you that are devastated because one of you has reconnected with a long lost love on Face book or some other site. There are so many ways now to meet people on line, whether it is in a Chat room, porno site, or social site. It may start out innocently thinking that there is no harm in just saying hello. However, since both of you are probably feeling alienated from each other, this changes quickly. It is easy to just go into a locked room in their home and open the computer. it is so much harder to speak to your spouse and tell each other what you are feeling. It is surprising how many spouses see their partner locked in an office in their home and let them stay there hours without interruption surfing the web. Don't let this happen to you! If your spouse is spending too much time alone on the internet, knock on that door and ask questions. Find out what is going on. Start talking about your relationship. Don't let an affair begin. You don't have to be famous like Arnold Schwartzenegger, or Tiger Woods to have an affair. It could happen to anyone. Read this interesting article. Please let me know if I can help you.
Best Regards,
Beverly
By Tammy Nelson
Is it cheating if it is only online? Some experts say “yes.”
"Online emotional affairs are just affairs that have not become sexual yet..." said Peggy Vaughan, infidelity expert and author of The Monogamy Myth.
Emotional affairs often start on the internet and then develop into sexual relationships quickly. Vaughan says that her research shows that 56% of online affairs moved into real time contact within one week. Shirley Glass, author of Not Just Friends, found that 82% of people who cheated were friends with their lover first.
Click here to take a quick survey on Online Affairs: TAKE ONLINE AFFAIR SURVEY
Research shows that an online relationship may actually threaten your marriage or partnership. Internet relationships develop from screen to emotional or sexual contact. Although this can relieve loneliness and lend a sense of availability to a relationship, it may actually lead to a deeper sense of isolation.
Are you hiding an internet relationship from your partner? Don’t ignore the attraction or interest to someone you are emailing or chatting with. Talk to your partner and let them know you want to stay close and be bonded with them. Decide what kind of transparency is appropriate for both of you as a couple. Tell each other about your online relationships before they become affairs in cyber-time or real-time.
Experts say an affair begins the moment you lie or hide an internet relationship from your partner. Don’t wait until there is already an issue. Sit down with your partner and talk today.
For more info on the work of Peggy Vaughan go to www.dearpeggy.com or Dr. Tammy Nelson email tammy@drtammynelson.com or go to www.drtammynelson.com
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The Mother's Prayer for It's Daughter
Having first hand experience on raising a daughter, I know the many challenges that can continuously arise. That is why, when I read something that is so funny, and yet true, it is nice to share it. This "prayer" was taken out of Tina Fey's new book Bossypants, 2011. Sounds like a fun book.
Have a great day, and remember that sometimes laughing is the best medicine. Also, keep in mind that you have a lot of support out there if you just ask for it.
Regards,
Beverly
The Mother’s Prayer for Its Daughter
Tina Fey from her new book Bossypants, 2011
First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.
What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day - And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.
Have a great day, and remember that sometimes laughing is the best medicine. Also, keep in mind that you have a lot of support out there if you just ask for it.
Regards,
Beverly
The Mother’s Prayer for Its Daughter
Tina Fey from her new book Bossypants, 2011
First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.
May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.
When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.
Guide her, protect her
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.
Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.
What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.
May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.
Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day - And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.
O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.
And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.
And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.
“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.
Amen.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Did You Know, Deep Down, That, You'd Get Divorced One Day?
Since almost 50% of new marriages end in divorce and 75% of second marriages end in divorce, did you ever wonder if the couples knew before they got married that they were not going to stay married? I copied this from AOL on line and thought it was interesting enough to share with my readers. Please let me know any thoughts.
Regards,
Beverly
Did You Know, Deep Down, That You'd Get Divorced One Day?
While at a recent fun dinner, some acquaintances and I were surprised to discover that three out of seven of us had been divorced. Some of us were remarried, some were freshly uncoupled, some were dating, and as the night got more and more dishy, one of the non-divorcees asked if any of us ever had a gut feeling from the start that the marriage was not going to work out. The three divorcees, bonded by our marital histories, looked at each other with dumb recognition. Yes, yes we'd all had reservations about getting married, tucked away in some tiny, shushed pit of our stomachs. We'd all been quietly scared of what we were about to do, and one by one we confessed our reasons for not listening to ourselves -- I thought it was too late to cancel, I thought that everyone felt scared and wrong on their wedding day, I thought marriage would be the thing to fix our relationship. Hindsight is always 20/20, but I imagine a lot of married and divorced people have insights to share about how they felt during their engagement.
Without further adieu, I address this post to the engaged people out there who are wondering if they're making the right decision.
So you're getting married?! That's exciting! Maybe you're planning a huge beautiful event, or maybe you're just having a small ceremony and going to dinner with your parents -- but no matter the size of the wedding, at some point it might start to feel like it's picking up a life of its own, steaming ahead no matter what. If you're wondering if you should be getting married, it's time for a gut check.
How do you know if what you're feeling is just pre-wedding jitters, which are totally natural, and not something more serious?
Take Away Distractions
No matter how busy you are, either planning your wedding or just going through your everyday life, it is more important than ever to take time for yourself. Not for manicures or video games, but to physically be with yourself. Set aside about 15 minutes a day that you just sit in a quiet, non-distracting place with your thoughts, and listen to yourself. What comes up? If things are nagging at you now, there is nothing that a party and some cake is going to correct, so instead of distracting yourself with wedding planning, give yourself time to respect any concerns you have about your marriage.
Put Your Emotions On Paper
How do you feel about being married to your fiancee? Quick, take a moment and write down every single emotion that you have when you think, not about your wedding day, but about being married. Take your time. When you're done, divide up those emotions into positive and negative ones, and check out your list. What themes do you notice? If you really want to get down to the nitty gritty, have your fiancee do this exercise as well and talk about the emotions you both come up with. If my ex and I had done this, maybe we would have seen that we both had the same concerns that we were just getting married because it was the age that a lot of people got married.
Why Are You Getting Married?
Now, I don't mean this in a sense of "why does marriage exist as an institution?" It's a wonderful institution, one that should be enjoyed by all people. What I mean is what made you decide to get married to the person you're marrying at this point in your life? Are you getting married because he asked you? Are you getting married because you've been together a while and you're of "marrying age"? Are you getting married because you want to start building a life with your partner, and this is a huge step in that direction? A lot of people end up getting married more out of expectation than out of passion for each other, but if your options have ever been "we either get married or break up," be careful. Marriage should be a new addition you add to the house that is your relationship, not the structure you impose on the house once it's already built. This is not to say that marriages based on practicality can't be happy and wonderful, but merely to say that what you want, deep down, should never be pushed aside for what you're supposed to want.
How Is Your Relationship?
Take a snapshot of your relationship exactly as it is right now. Freeze. What you must expect is that your relationship will be, no matter how fancy the wedding ceremony or how great the honeymoon, exactly like this for the rest of your lives. No changes whatsoever. Is that something you're okay with, or is part of you convinced that the relationship will evolve once rings are involved? Because I can tell you now -- time evolves a relationship, living together evolves a relationship, and adding responsibilities evolves a relationship. Marriage, on its own, does not. It also does not fix relationships.
Of the divorcees I know, the number one question that we all wish someone had asked us as we went headlong into marriage was, "If you could walk away with absolutely no consequences, would you do it?" Think about it honestly. When I worked with children in the past, I would watch them throw these epic temper tantrums, and out of desperation one day I asked a kid who'd been yelling and crying for about 10 minutes if he was tired and wished he could stop and pretend he never started having a tantrum. He looked up at me through tears and nodded, so I told him his secret would be safe with me. He got up and walked into another room, where I found him playing quietly.
Sometimes we put so much effort into things we're doing, like dating or wedding planning, that we don't stop to think about whether or not we even want the results of that effort. Marriage, even a happy and successful one, can be extremely stressful, but that stress is worth it if you're marrying the best person for you. I write this not in an effort to stop people from getting married, but merely to encourage people to take marriage incredibly seriously. There is nothing you can't walk away from, but if you think leaving a fiancee is hard, try leaving a spouse. Keep asking yourself questions and giving yourself gut checks to make sure you're making a decision that is best for you and best for your relationship.
We would love to hear your own stories of thoughts you had as you were preparing to walk down the aisle -- were you terrified, were you excited, were you trying not to think about it, and how did that correlate with the success of the relationship? Tell us in the comments!
Regards,
Beverly
Did You Know, Deep Down, That You'd Get Divorced One Day?
While at a recent fun dinner, some acquaintances and I were surprised to discover that three out of seven of us had been divorced. Some of us were remarried, some were freshly uncoupled, some were dating, and as the night got more and more dishy, one of the non-divorcees asked if any of us ever had a gut feeling from the start that the marriage was not going to work out. The three divorcees, bonded by our marital histories, looked at each other with dumb recognition. Yes, yes we'd all had reservations about getting married, tucked away in some tiny, shushed pit of our stomachs. We'd all been quietly scared of what we were about to do, and one by one we confessed our reasons for not listening to ourselves -- I thought it was too late to cancel, I thought that everyone felt scared and wrong on their wedding day, I thought marriage would be the thing to fix our relationship. Hindsight is always 20/20, but I imagine a lot of married and divorced people have insights to share about how they felt during their engagement.
Without further adieu, I address this post to the engaged people out there who are wondering if they're making the right decision.
So you're getting married?! That's exciting! Maybe you're planning a huge beautiful event, or maybe you're just having a small ceremony and going to dinner with your parents -- but no matter the size of the wedding, at some point it might start to feel like it's picking up a life of its own, steaming ahead no matter what. If you're wondering if you should be getting married, it's time for a gut check.
How do you know if what you're feeling is just pre-wedding jitters, which are totally natural, and not something more serious?
Take Away Distractions
No matter how busy you are, either planning your wedding or just going through your everyday life, it is more important than ever to take time for yourself. Not for manicures or video games, but to physically be with yourself. Set aside about 15 minutes a day that you just sit in a quiet, non-distracting place with your thoughts, and listen to yourself. What comes up? If things are nagging at you now, there is nothing that a party and some cake is going to correct, so instead of distracting yourself with wedding planning, give yourself time to respect any concerns you have about your marriage.
Put Your Emotions On Paper
How do you feel about being married to your fiancee? Quick, take a moment and write down every single emotion that you have when you think, not about your wedding day, but about being married. Take your time. When you're done, divide up those emotions into positive and negative ones, and check out your list. What themes do you notice? If you really want to get down to the nitty gritty, have your fiancee do this exercise as well and talk about the emotions you both come up with. If my ex and I had done this, maybe we would have seen that we both had the same concerns that we were just getting married because it was the age that a lot of people got married.
Why Are You Getting Married?
Now, I don't mean this in a sense of "why does marriage exist as an institution?" It's a wonderful institution, one that should be enjoyed by all people. What I mean is what made you decide to get married to the person you're marrying at this point in your life? Are you getting married because he asked you? Are you getting married because you've been together a while and you're of "marrying age"? Are you getting married because you want to start building a life with your partner, and this is a huge step in that direction? A lot of people end up getting married more out of expectation than out of passion for each other, but if your options have ever been "we either get married or break up," be careful. Marriage should be a new addition you add to the house that is your relationship, not the structure you impose on the house once it's already built. This is not to say that marriages based on practicality can't be happy and wonderful, but merely to say that what you want, deep down, should never be pushed aside for what you're supposed to want.
How Is Your Relationship?
Take a snapshot of your relationship exactly as it is right now. Freeze. What you must expect is that your relationship will be, no matter how fancy the wedding ceremony or how great the honeymoon, exactly like this for the rest of your lives. No changes whatsoever. Is that something you're okay with, or is part of you convinced that the relationship will evolve once rings are involved? Because I can tell you now -- time evolves a relationship, living together evolves a relationship, and adding responsibilities evolves a relationship. Marriage, on its own, does not. It also does not fix relationships.
Of the divorcees I know, the number one question that we all wish someone had asked us as we went headlong into marriage was, "If you could walk away with absolutely no consequences, would you do it?" Think about it honestly. When I worked with children in the past, I would watch them throw these epic temper tantrums, and out of desperation one day I asked a kid who'd been yelling and crying for about 10 minutes if he was tired and wished he could stop and pretend he never started having a tantrum. He looked up at me through tears and nodded, so I told him his secret would be safe with me. He got up and walked into another room, where I found him playing quietly.
Sometimes we put so much effort into things we're doing, like dating or wedding planning, that we don't stop to think about whether or not we even want the results of that effort. Marriage, even a happy and successful one, can be extremely stressful, but that stress is worth it if you're marrying the best person for you. I write this not in an effort to stop people from getting married, but merely to encourage people to take marriage incredibly seriously. There is nothing you can't walk away from, but if you think leaving a fiancee is hard, try leaving a spouse. Keep asking yourself questions and giving yourself gut checks to make sure you're making a decision that is best for you and best for your relationship.
We would love to hear your own stories of thoughts you had as you were preparing to walk down the aisle -- were you terrified, were you excited, were you trying not to think about it, and how did that correlate with the success of the relationship? Tell us in the comments!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Infidelity, The Real Price To Pay
In our complex world of marriage, we hear a lot about infidelity. In my practice of mostly couples, the presenting problem most often is betrayal of one spouse. It is a heartbreaking problem from both sides. The hurt partner and the affair partner. This article that appeared in the December 12th, New York Times, discusses this topic from both points of view. It is worth reading and sharing. Hopefully, it might give someone pause to think before making that decision.
A Roomful of Yearning and Regret
Modern Love
The New York Times
By WENDY PLUMP
December 12, 2010
http://tinyurl.com/2w5usll
. . . picturing yourself in the therapist’s office with your betrayed husband after you’ve been found out (and you will be found out). You will hear yourself saying you cheated because your needs weren’t being met. The spark was gone. You were bored in your marriage. Your lover understands you better. One or another version of this excuse will cross your lips like some dark, knee-jerk Hallmark-card sentiment.
I’m not saying these feelings aren’t legitimate, just that they don’t legitimize what you’re doing. . . .
Beverly Zagofsky, MS, LPC
A Roomful of Yearning and Regret
Modern Love
The New York Times
By WENDY PLUMP
December 12, 2010
http://tinyurl.com/2w5usll
. . . picturing yourself in the therapist’s office with your betrayed husband after you’ve been found out (and you will be found out). You will hear yourself saying you cheated because your needs weren’t being met. The spark was gone. You were bored in your marriage. Your lover understands you better. One or another version of this excuse will cross your lips like some dark, knee-jerk Hallmark-card sentiment.
I’m not saying these feelings aren’t legitimate, just that they don’t legitimize what you’re doing. . . .
Beverly Zagofsky, MS, LPC
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Facebook and Marriage
Facebook has become a popular way of reconnecting to people whom we haven't seen or heard from in many years. It is a way of staying in touch with family and friends and sharing photos and life experiences to hundreds of people with a single click. In that sense, Facebook can be fun and an efficient means of communication.
However, in my work with many couples over the years, Facebook can also be used as a distraction from the focus of marriage This lack of attention to the relationship helps break down the intimacy necessary to insure and maintain a strong and bonded couplehood.
I have heard stories from partners who feel isolated in their own home when their addicted partner is spending several hours daily chatting and keeping up with their facebook friends. In many cases they are celebrating and wishing their "friends" Birthday Greetings, and forgetting their spouses birthday or their own Anniversary.
This can cause resentment, loneliness and disconnection.
Another negative tendency for some Facebook users, is to keep their Facebook time separate and secret from their partner. When their partner enters the room and the addicted partner is on Facebook, the addicted partner will turn off the screen. This only makes the other partner feel distrust that there are secrets being kept. Trust is the most important element in keeping Marriages together. Both partners must feel safe to say how they feel and be excepted and loved by the other partner. Keeping an open and transparent policy will allow both partners to feel more loved. In order to do this I suggest the following:
1. Share all Facebook, and email passwords with your partners.
2. Allow your partner open access to all phone text messages.
3. Limit Facebook and computer email to 1 hour a day.
4. Make sure that you spend at least 15 to 30 minutes a day catching up in a quiet place, free from distraction while showing interest while you are talking. Ask frequent questions.
More will follow on this very complex subject. Have a good night.
Regards,
Beverly Zagofsky, LPC
However, in my work with many couples over the years, Facebook can also be used as a distraction from the focus of marriage This lack of attention to the relationship helps break down the intimacy necessary to insure and maintain a strong and bonded couplehood.
I have heard stories from partners who feel isolated in their own home when their addicted partner is spending several hours daily chatting and keeping up with their facebook friends. In many cases they are celebrating and wishing their "friends" Birthday Greetings, and forgetting their spouses birthday or their own Anniversary.
This can cause resentment, loneliness and disconnection.
Another negative tendency for some Facebook users, is to keep their Facebook time separate and secret from their partner. When their partner enters the room and the addicted partner is on Facebook, the addicted partner will turn off the screen. This only makes the other partner feel distrust that there are secrets being kept. Trust is the most important element in keeping Marriages together. Both partners must feel safe to say how they feel and be excepted and loved by the other partner. Keeping an open and transparent policy will allow both partners to feel more loved. In order to do this I suggest the following:
1. Share all Facebook, and email passwords with your partners.
2. Allow your partner open access to all phone text messages.
3. Limit Facebook and computer email to 1 hour a day.
4. Make sure that you spend at least 15 to 30 minutes a day catching up in a quiet place, free from distraction while showing interest while you are talking. Ask frequent questions.
More will follow on this very complex subject. Have a good night.
Regards,
Beverly Zagofsky, LPC
Friday, May 28, 2010
Could Dropping Out of High School be the Best Thing?
Although, I primarily counsel couples, parenting issues often come up with disagreements about their children and different parenting styles. There is a huge emphasis in many communities about getting children into the best schools from nursery schools, up till college and graduate schools. Here is one parent's approach to allowing her daughter to drop out of High School and is actually very supportive about it. Although this wouldn't work for all children, what would you do if this was your daughter?
It's graduation season and the irony, in my household, abounds.
You see, I teach graduate students at one of the top universities in the country, the same university where my husband was a professor as well. I've authored five parenting books, and I write a column for a parenting magazine. I'm often quoted as a "parenting expert." This is a home where bookshelves line the walls, where we eat dinner together every night, where we run to the dictionary for definitions of words we don't know.
My daughter Annie grew up in a hotbed of education. But high school didn't work for her, so I encouraged her to drop out. I'm proud of her for making the choice and I'm proud of myself for supporting it.
As an educator and this so-called "parenting expert," I understand the ramifications of her actions, and I believe she does, too -- as much as any 17-year-old can. Without a diploma, she can't go to a four-year university. Without a college degree, many doors will be closed to her. Sure, she could go to a community college -- she tried that last semester -- though it didn't work for her, either.
Yet.
If I was trying to justify my feelings and her actions, I could list hundreds of high-school dropouts who've become wild successes: Billionaire Richard Branson, movie star Uma Thurman, labor leader Cesar Chavez , scientist Albert Einstein.
But actually I don't really care about that. I care about my daughter's happiness right now. Right now, she works part time in a bookstore, sleeps late, hangs out with her friends, studies acting at a top theater conservatory and dreams about being a movie star. Right now she recovers from her father's sudden death 17 months ago.
Annie passed the California high-school proficiency test at the end of her sophomore year, six months after her father's death. With that, she was done.
Grief and shock were only part of her decision not to go back. She'd struggled during her two years of high school. She'd coped with mononucleosis, attention deficit disorder, dysgraphia, depression, strep throat (twice), a severely sprained ankle, pneumonia and countless colds. She tried hard, and she tried not trying. The teachers had accommodated as much as they could. I'd sat with her many nights as she wept over her homework, struggling to complete work she just didn't see the point in doing.
"School wasn't working out for me," she says. "I believe you're supposed to learn things in school, and I realized that the next two years would be a waste for me to sit through."
I had no argument. High school was not a good fit for her. She was right.
Parenting a teenager is all about trust. I can't force Annie to go to school, though I tried. I can't force her to want to be in school, and unless she wants to be there, she won't go. I trust my daughter's instincts, and I know that a path is not always linear. And she comes from a strong family tradition of alternate paths. It took me nine years to get my BA and I ended up with a successful and creative career. Her father didn't start community college until he was 24. By the time he died, he was the special adviser to a head of state.
Annie is a thoughtful, smart, beautiful girl who knows herself. I'm not worried about her future. She has a job, and she's pursuing her dream of becoming a professional actor. When she wants to, if she wants to finish school, she'll do it. When she's ready for a formal education, she'll find her way. She has to learn what she wants and needs in life, and she has to work for it herself. I will support her in whatever endeavor she chooses -- but the impetus must come from her, not from me.
Parental pride is far more complex than a bumper sticker bragging, "My child is an honor student at Blah Blah High School." My daughter is a high-school dropout, and this mother couldn't be prouder.
Ericka Lutz teaches writing at the University of California, Berkeley, and is the author of On the Go with Baby and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting. Read Ericka's blog, and about her new one-woman show, A Widow's To-Do List, on Red Room.
It's graduation season and the irony, in my household, abounds.
You see, I teach graduate students at one of the top universities in the country, the same university where my husband was a professor as well. I've authored five parenting books, and I write a column for a parenting magazine. I'm often quoted as a "parenting expert." This is a home where bookshelves line the walls, where we eat dinner together every night, where we run to the dictionary for definitions of words we don't know.
My daughter Annie grew up in a hotbed of education. But high school didn't work for her, so I encouraged her to drop out. I'm proud of her for making the choice and I'm proud of myself for supporting it.
As an educator and this so-called "parenting expert," I understand the ramifications of her actions, and I believe she does, too -- as much as any 17-year-old can. Without a diploma, she can't go to a four-year university. Without a college degree, many doors will be closed to her. Sure, she could go to a community college -- she tried that last semester -- though it didn't work for her, either.
Yet.
If I was trying to justify my feelings and her actions, I could list hundreds of high-school dropouts who've become wild successes: Billionaire Richard Branson, movie star Uma Thurman, labor leader Cesar Chavez , scientist Albert Einstein.
But actually I don't really care about that. I care about my daughter's happiness right now. Right now, she works part time in a bookstore, sleeps late, hangs out with her friends, studies acting at a top theater conservatory and dreams about being a movie star. Right now she recovers from her father's sudden death 17 months ago.
Annie passed the California high-school proficiency test at the end of her sophomore year, six months after her father's death. With that, she was done.
Grief and shock were only part of her decision not to go back. She'd struggled during her two years of high school. She'd coped with mononucleosis, attention deficit disorder, dysgraphia, depression, strep throat (twice), a severely sprained ankle, pneumonia and countless colds. She tried hard, and she tried not trying. The teachers had accommodated as much as they could. I'd sat with her many nights as she wept over her homework, struggling to complete work she just didn't see the point in doing.
"School wasn't working out for me," she says. "I believe you're supposed to learn things in school, and I realized that the next two years would be a waste for me to sit through."
I had no argument. High school was not a good fit for her. She was right.
Parenting a teenager is all about trust. I can't force Annie to go to school, though I tried. I can't force her to want to be in school, and unless she wants to be there, she won't go. I trust my daughter's instincts, and I know that a path is not always linear. And she comes from a strong family tradition of alternate paths. It took me nine years to get my BA and I ended up with a successful and creative career. Her father didn't start community college until he was 24. By the time he died, he was the special adviser to a head of state.
Annie is a thoughtful, smart, beautiful girl who knows herself. I'm not worried about her future. She has a job, and she's pursuing her dream of becoming a professional actor. When she wants to, if she wants to finish school, she'll do it. When she's ready for a formal education, she'll find her way. She has to learn what she wants and needs in life, and she has to work for it herself. I will support her in whatever endeavor she chooses -- but the impetus must come from her, not from me.
Parental pride is far more complex than a bumper sticker bragging, "My child is an honor student at Blah Blah High School." My daughter is a high-school dropout, and this mother couldn't be prouder.
Ericka Lutz teaches writing at the University of California, Berkeley, and is the author of On the Go with Baby and The Complete Idiot's Guide to Stepparenting. Read Ericka's blog, and about her new one-woman show, A Widow's To-Do List, on Red Room.
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